An uphill struggle?

Most people who know me are aware that I enjoy a good cycle ride. Not because I'm eco-friendly and conscious of my green credentials, but because - as I approach my fortieth year - I'm a little worried that I'm developing an unsightly paunch.

Usually, a bike ride involves going out with a mate or, like this morning, cycling my eldest son in to school for his Cycling Proficiency Test. From time-to-time two of my maddest cycling buddies will go for a ride with me, which invariably involves them attempting to give me a heart attack and, every once in a while, I like to take part in a cycling event. A Sportive, if you will.

Something like the London-to-Cambridge ride last year. Or the Wiggle No Excuses Sportive in March this year.

But on Sunday I shall be taking part in an event that, quite literally, terrifies me. In fact, I'd rather spend the whole day telling Iain Holden, managing director of Sky Business, why I think Sky's recent announcement that they are freezing their prices for corporate customers is little more than bunkum and accounts for nowt when it comes to trying to win over new customers. Or, indeed, retain existing ones.

Or how their average charges for business customers only rose between 9 and 11% last year because that metric includes their hotel customers, who get a much better deal for showing Sky Sports in every bedroom than pubs do for showing a game to thirty punters who object to paying greater than three quid for a pint of lager. And they aren't as interested in 3D as you think, Mr Holden...

Despite Sky's arguments, it is widely known that the public house side of the industry faced draconian price rises; my own increase was a whopping 32% and included the removal of a channel, so in reality it was an even greater rise. I've heard higher figures than that, though, and the BBPA quote an average increase of 20% across the pub trade.

Perhaps I could spend the day waxing lyrical to the Fair Pint Massive about the benefits of Brulines. Despite the fact that most of them think I'm a nincompoop for seeking out ways to take advantage of the system rather than berate its very existence, over the past two weeks I have been having issues with my cellar cooling system, which has broken down and is currently awaiting repair.

It is quite handy having the ability to show my BDM exactly how much damage the broken down equipment is doing to my trade, using their own reports.

But why would I rather spend an entire Sunday in the company of people who probably don't like me very much, instead of taking part in a recreational activity I usually enjoy?

Well normally, when I go cycling, I do so on tarmac roads in the relatively flat and open region of East Anglia; when I take part in a cycling event it usually has just one requirement: wear a helmet.

This weekend, however, my friend James Deane - yes, that is his real name, the poor sap - has entered me in to an event that takes place in a forest near that mountainous region of the country known as Scarborough.

The event is even called the "On One Hundred Mountain Marathon", and its entry list doesn't just say wear a helmet. It also says bring a whistle. And a space blanket...