Got a problem with your pubco? Call the doctor!

"Hello there. I'm Doctor Frasier Crane.

Today we have a special show for you. We're going to be talking to publicans, discussing their problems and hopefully coming up with a few solutions.

So, if you're in the trade and want to talk, then give us a ring. We'd love to hear from you."

"Ros, who do we have on the line?"

"First caller's Derek. He runs the Black Lion in Rochdale."

"Hello Derek. I'm listening. What's your problem?"

"It's my BDM doc. He keeps telling me I'm a bad tenant."

"Really? Did he happen to mention this to you when handing over the pub keys?"

"Well it's funny you should say that Doc because he did give me a bit of a funny look when we first met.

But then when I pulled out my whopping great severance cheque and put it on the table, his attitude changed completely! He assured me I was just the sort of person his pubco were looking for."

"Well Derek, one could be forgiven for thinking that this particular company were only interested in only one thing.

It is somewhat ironic is it not? Pubcos appear increasingly content to look for scapegoats, particularly all those supposed 'bad tenants' out there. Perhaps they would be better advised to take a long hard look at their own indiscretions?

Over the years they have devised a 'business model' that generates obscene profits. Yet, despite the huge margins they enjoy on beer, not to mention vastly inflated rental premiums, the two biggest companies in the sector find themselves crippled by enormous debt.

Is it not somewhat galling that these same pubcos have the temerity to accuse their tenants of bad business practice? Given their track record, I don't think they're in a position to point the finger, do you?

So Derek, if you're still managing to keep your head above water whilst working under the constraints of this so called 'business model' then chances are you're an excellent publican.

Let no-one tell you otherwise; least of all the employee of a company that has somehow managed to engineer a 95% fall in the value of its share price.

"Thanks Doc."

"Ros, who's our next caller?"

"Brian. He and his wife run the Dick Turpin in Norwich."

"Hello Brian. I'm listening. What's your problem?"

"My BDM is trying to put my rent up even though my turnover keeps falling. Doesn't she realise that her unrealistic expectations are on the verge of putting me out of business?"

"Oh Brian. Have you ever known your pubco take a long-term view of things?

You see the real problem here is that many BDMs suffer from a rare medical condition known as IBS."

"What's that doc?"

"Inflated bonus syndrome. Symptoms include giving you AWPs you don't need, making grossly inflated rental demands and manipulation of your product range to maximise profit for their employee.

BDMs afflicted with this condition lack the ability to think long-term, preoccupied as they are with squeezing additional revenue out of sites; thereby substantially boosting their bi-annual bonus.

So, don't expect any concessions any time soon. Quite frankly Brian, your BDM doesn't give a rat's ass about you. As far as she's concerned your poor performance is costing her money, so you need to stop whinging and focus instead on increasing turnover.

I've done some checking and it seems this lady is in line to take the coveted BDM of the month award. Did you know that winning it entitles her to a two week holiday in Barbados, staying at a five star hotel with her family?

Not bad eh? One more extortionate rental premium will probably clinch it for her but your poor performance is putting all that in jeopardy. So, you need to pull your finger out and stop being so selfish. It isn't just about you, you know!"

"You're right doc, thanks. I'll do my best to win her that holiday, I really will."

"That's the spirit. Now then, who's our next caller Ros?"

"Rachel. She's calling from the White Horse in Glasbury-on-Wye."

"Hello Rachel. I'm listening. What's your problem?"

"It's my BDM doc. He's a w**ker!"

"Why do you say that?"

"He keeps telling me I need to grow my volumes. We all know the market at the moment, yet he seems to think I can just magically increase turnover. What planet is he living on?"

"What's his name?"

"Richard Head. Apparently his friends call him Dick; needless to say so do I."

"Well Rachel, let me tell you what's going on here. Dick is experiencing an emotion that tied tenants up and down the country have had to endure for many years, namely FEAR!

As pubcos begin the process of drastically downsizing their estates many BDMs are finding themselves surplus to requirements. That said; I'm sure there are one or two of you out there who would suggest they've always been surplus to requirements, but perhaps that's another debate for another day.

The upshot is that Regional Managers are now looking very closely at their BDMs; assessing who's performing and who isn't. The heat is on in the BDM kitchen, make no mistake!

So Rachel, who do you think the RMs will be more likely to retain?

BDMs giving generous concessions to their tenants? Or those desperately trying to squeeze the last possible drop of revenue out of each site?

Doesn't take a genius to figure it out, does it?"

"No doc."

"BDMs are now under greater pressure than ever to take more. Their jobs could quite literally depend on it.

So forget all this nonsense about the business model 'evolving' and the notion that pubcos are bringing out 'new agreements for a new era'.

I suspect the BISC will see these 'initiatives' for what they are; corporate PR designed to conceal the fact that nothing has fundamentally changed.

The sad fact of the matter is that tenants are now more than ever, paying the price for poor investment decisions made in the boardroom.

It's a sad indictment of a once proud and noble industry and another example of how this obscene business model has ruined the lives of so many; leaving a sordid and lasting legacy from which it may never fully recover.

Well, on that rather poignant note we appear to have come to the end of the show.

So, until next time, this is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you good mental health, wherever you may be."