Pub Bitch: News from the dark side

Just a swift one

Not that we are ones to deal in stereotypes here at The Publican (far from it!), but it came as no great surprise that a new survey has revealed Britain's fastest drinkers currently reside in Glasgow and Cardiff.

According to watch website WatchShop.Com (see what they've done there) around half of Glaswegians take less than 15 minutes to down a pint. And a further third say it only takes between 20-30 minutes. While in Cardiff, locals have done little to quell those binge-drinking myths, with 53 per cent necking a pint in under 15 minutes.

So where will you find the more refined drinkers? In the South of course, specifically Brighton, where 20 per cent of people take more than half-an-hour to see away their beer.

And the point of this survey? No, we're not entirely sure either.

Burnley in the drink

It would have been painful viewing for the home team fans but Burnley's miserable display against Manchester City could have provided an unexpected bonus for the town's pubs. For while Tevez, Adebayor et al were making hay at Turf Moor hundreds of fans slipped out and headed to the boozer to drown their sorrows with their team 5-0 down at half-time.

Among the hordes was Burnley midfielder Kevin McDonald who was taken off for his abject display. Instead of sticking around to watch the nightmare continue (Burnley ended up losing 6-1) he headed to a local pub instead. McDonald has since been fined a week's wages (a mere £5,000) and apologised to the fans but, just like his team's relegation scrap, he has probably found himself in the last -chance saloon (sorry, Ed).

Duty escalator out of order

Talking of responsible drinking, people in the UK pub trade who think they've a hard time with the anti-alcohol lot, should thank their lucky stars they don't have organisations like the Marin Institute to contend with. Who they? Apparently it is one of the US's leading anti-alcohol lobby groups, currently calling on state legislatures that have not raised taxes on beer in line with inflation in recent years to get a bloomin' move on. "Amazingly, six states have not raised beer taxes in more than 50 years," said the institute's research and policy director Michele Simon, perhaps amazedly. "Legislators are ignoring a lot of revenue their states could use right now." Blimey. They could learn summat from our own Mr Darling, clearly…

News from the dark side

Staying Stateside, news has reached us that Dark Lord Day is fast approaching. But don't fret, this isn't as evil as it sounds. And no, it's not a sci-fi convention for über-nerds. It is, in fact, a master-class from Indiana-based Three Floyds Brewing Company in how to create a buzz around a beer.

Dark Lord Stout is available only one day a year, and only to those lucky punters who can get their hands on a Golden Ticket entitling them to buy a bottle for $15. This year's tickets sold out in half-an-hour. Hordes of beer fans turn up without tickets, bringing their own beer and hanging around the car park to bask in the reflected glory.

With Dark Lord Stout packing a hefty 15 per cent ABV, it would be easy for things to get out of hand. But brewer Barnaby Struve assured local media the brewery had taken steps to promote responsible drinking. "We have about 12 cops with their tasers all warmed up and waiting," he explained. "Don't say I didn't warn ya!"

Perfection on a plate

So what's your favourite roast dinner? Our ideal roast consists of either rare beef surrounded by light, fluffy Yorkshires, or pork with crackling so crisp it could break your teeth. So I suppose gravy maker Maggi was halfway there when it sent us its "perfect" roast dinner, in a PR stunt to launch the snappily titled 'Win the Idea of a Perfect Prize' promotion. Personally, I would have gone for a slightly larger chicken... and perhaps not served the gravy in its packet... but the main imperfection is that it's made from plastic. Yes. Plastic. Now call us old-fashioned, but we like our press goodies to either be edible (biscuits, pizza etc), drinkable, or floggable on eBay (for charity, of course) — not designed for a two-year-old. Have a word someone…

Send your stories and pictures about people in pubs to pubbitch@thepublican.com​