Mark Daniels: April Showers

Has anybody noticed how winter just doesn't seem to want to go away? (To readers in the north of England and Scotland, that will seem like a particularly stupid thing to say.)

But it's true. Here we are at the start of April, with the first of the year's bank holidays ahead of us, and it's chucking it down with rain right now. The wind is gusting so hard the pub's sign looks like it's about to swing off its brackets and a fire is roaring away in the lounge.

You'd be forgiven for thinking we were in the depths of November, rather than early Spring. Christmas, I told my customers during this lunch time session, is just around the corner.

This is a shame, because the Easter weekend is one of the busiest of the year and yet the cold and miserable, wintry weather is virtually guaranteed to keep every body stuck at home. "Roaring Fire" on the A-Board just doesn't work as well in April as it does mid-December.

And there's another problem. By now, the pub should be adorned with flowers, great plumes of colour cascading from hanging baskets, tables at the front protected from bright sunlight by large parasols.

Instead, I took a glance at the front of my pub and realised how drab it looks at the moment. It's clean and tidy, all the weeds have been cleared away, the paving slabs power-hosed in advance of the good weather. The plant boxes and hanging baskets have all been cleared of the old winter flowers and made ready for the summer foliage.

But because of the weather, I can't seem to get it finished. My gardener has warned against putting new plants in today as frost (and possibly snow) is due in over the weekend and the grass is still too wet to cut. (Plus it's utterly throwing it down outside right now so I really don't want to go out in it.)

So I'm hoping the reports last week about a "barbecue summer" will actually be true, for once. Yes, I know we've heard it before, but this time the reports have come from two sources: a small, entrepreneurial company in Wales who have apparently predicted the weather accurately for the past five years and beaten the Met Office hands down, and frogs.

Apparently, frogs have been spawning in the middle of ponds rather than at the edge, and that is supposed to indicate that warmer weather is on the way.

I'm hoping Kermit and his mates are right. We need good weather to get the customers back out after a harsh winter, and I need to get the grass cut. But I know what'll happen...

... as soon as the hot weather arrives, the lush grass will turn brown and everybody will be begging for rain!

April Foolery

Did everybody enjoy the little jape on this website earlier about customers requiring "drinking licenses" in a government attempt to curb binge drinking? It's great fun being involved in little jokes like that, and there have been some other wonderful stories around and about today.

My local newspaper, the Newmarket Journal, had a brilliant story about the ancient town clock being updated to be digital, giving me images of Newmarket town centre looking like something out of Back To The Future II, and BMW's website has announced a new feature to help people show their voting allegiance. The Political Roundal Attachment Tag (or PRAT, for short) is designed to change the colours of your BMW's badge to the colour of your political preference...

All these things are highly amusing when taken lightly, but the big worry about the joke in The Publican today is that some nutcase in Westminster might actually look at it and think that such a suggestion is a good idea. Such foolishness wouldn't surprise me...

April Earache

And finally... I've just got back from the doctors. Both of my ears feel like I've been boxed by my grandmother for doing something naughty and apparently I've got a touch of an ear, nose & throat infection. The doc's given me some antibiotics, quipped that I was probably being nagged too much by the wife, and told me to take some time off work.

Oh, if only it was that easy!

I hope everybody has a happy, healthy and prosperous Easter!