Pete Robinson: When is a pub not a pub?

Imagine you are chatting to an overseas visitor when he asks you, "What is a British Pub?"

How would you reply?

"It's a building where you go to eat breakfast, or just drop in for a coffee at any time."

No? How about: "It's somewhere you can relax while your kids run around. They sell beer as well but you're only allowed one, even if your missus sticks to orange juice while she breast feeds the bairn."

Okay, let's try again. "A Pub is a big dining hall with most of the tables laid out for nosh. Some sell food at silly-cheap prices while other pubs charge considerably more for a gastro-dining experience. You can go in just for a drink but it's not encouraged, especially on busy nights. Unless you are waiting for a food table, that is."

One last attempt. "It's a place where young people go to get absolutely rat-arsed at weekends. Most of the furniture has been removed to make more standing room for loud groups of young guys and gals to drink beyond vomiting point. The night ends with a noisy party in the street, and usually a punch up."

I'm being unfair of course, I realise that. There are still many good, traditional pubs still open. But for how long? Will the Traditional British Pub survive the next five years? Or will they have 'evolved' into one of those described above? The "New Opportunity" indeed.

Which brings us to the most important question: When is a Pub not a Pub?

Could your local Pizza Hut, for example, be called a pub? It does meet the criteria of what trade 'experts' advocate pubs should be these days, in order to embrace the post-smoking ban era. No?

Then what makes a food-pub any different from a Pizza Hut? Or for that matter, with the exception of a drinks licence, a McDonalds?

Before July 2007 we all had a pretty good idea of what a 'real' pub was.

A real British Pub was a delightful oasis, a respite from the busy outside world where the usual strict rules of Political Correctness did not apply. It was a slightly sinful sanctuary where consenting adults gathered to drink, smoke and make merry.

Punters could imbibe unhealthy amounts of alcohol free from guilt, so long as they remained reasonably steady on their feet.

Tolerable behaviour was overseen by the landlord who understood the difference between yobbo-ism and harmless fun.

You could walk into any real pub in the country and within minutes be embraced into the bosom of it's regulars as if they were old friends. Or, if you preferred, you could sit unmolested by the fire quietly reading the paper. We went to pubs to relax in a convivial, adult atmosphere.

All that has changed since the introduction of the smoking ban.

With barely as whimper of complaint the industry compliantly allowed the State a major voice in the running of it's pubs. With greedy eyes mesmerised by those endless extra profits statistically promised by ASH, CRUK et al, the Trade sold it's soul to the Nu-Labour devil and unwittingly ripped out the very heart of the pub.

And they still don't get it do they? Michael Turner, Fuller's chairman and vice-chairman of the BBPA, appeared the other morning as industry spokesman on the BBC's morning business brief to explain why pubs were disappearing at such a catastrophic rate.

Dismissing the carnage Turner spoke wistfully of the public "re-discovering pubs" before directing a pathetic plea towards the camera: "Pubs are much cleaner and nicer places now so please try them".

Two years on from the ban and the idiot still believes non-smokers are about to stampede en masse into our pubs and bars to save the day. "In the long term, we feel it is an opportunity," says Turner. Such a short-sighted champion at the helm perhaps explains why Fuller's have recently announced another plunge in profits. Cleaner and nicer? Somewhat debatable but our pubs are certainly unpolluted by customers, that's for sure.

For hundreds of years the traditional pub-model has played a pivotal role within British communities and our culture, essentially unchanged until 2007. Although we never realised it one of the main reasons pubs thrived in all that time must have been because smoking was the norm. It was simply never an issue before, hence the important symbiotic relationship between pubs and smokers went unrecognised.

Now we've got a mandatory code of conduct on the way, smaller measures, and talk of post office-style queueing systems to the bar. The Government have tested the Trade's mettle and know beyond doubt they can impose whatever they like - and we'll meekly accept whatever draconian dementia they choose to dish out in vain attempts to appease the insatiable health fascists.

Pubs simply aren't pubs anymore. Today they are sterile premises where the customer's behaviour is dictated, controlled and spied upon by the Nanny State - policed by the publican who faces hefty fines otherwise.

A visit to the pub today can be a sad, tense and frankly boring experience, especially when you're banished outside in the rain.

They've become mere shrines to political correctness, increasingly self-apologetic as the anti-alcohol lobby moves in for the kill.

Is it any wonder the customers are deserting in droves?