Pete Robinson: Down truncheons lads, we're on strike!

But what would happen if the police really did go on strike?

Frankly I don't think we'd notice much difference. They gave up chasing real criminals many years ago and have since become little more than stealth-tax collectors and compilers of crime statistics.

Pubs would actually be better off. Landlords have been acting as unpaid policemen for years so no change there. Plus you'll be able to defend yourself without fear of arrest when some thug claims you head-butted his beer glass with undue force. And no more police 'stings' to worry about.

There'd certainly be less traffic jams without the police closing motorways all day every time there's been a prang. It might make the roads safer without them rushing back to the station with flashing blue lights when their bacon sarnies are ready.

In fact if the police went on strike, we'd see a helluva lot more police outside on the streets than when they're actually doing their job.

But that's a problem in itself. Who's going to 'police' the hoards of striking coppers if they start to become unruly? I suggest we recruit an army of ex-miners on horseback to whack them into submission. Job sorted.

The police are threatening strike action for the first time since 1919 over a 2.5% pay rise most of us would be more than happy to receive. Seems the Home Office has colluded with the Treasury in cunningly refusing to backdate the increase, effectively cutting it to 1.9%.

It's not that I support our government's stance. Especially not the underhand duplicity of egotistical Nu-Labour harpy Jacqui Smith who released the news via a 'leaked' internal memo. That's what you get if you stick an ex-schoolteacher in one of the country's most powerful seats.

But the fact remains this country is flat broke and the taxpayer has been bled dry, so public sector employees must accept the wheels have come off their gravy train. They've got to tighten their belts like the rest of us.

All those years of economic growth have been pissed up the wall on Labour's bloated, morbidly obese client state. Lost through appalling waste, targets and social engineering.

Now, like a spoilt, screaming child, the Police Federation remains determined to kill off plans to end the index-linked pay deals that have guaranteed its rank and file annual rises above inflation for nearly 30 years. However they'd be wise to accept reality.

The police are extremely well paid for what is, after all, a very secure job with low entry requirements, a generous pension scheme and early retirement options unheard of in the real world. Basic pay is £600-a-week for a lowly PC with 7 years service.

Policemen are also paid huge amounts in overtime, available virtually whenever they want it. They even get double time for the period spent traveling to work on top of a mileage allowance. Think of how many hours you work every week as a landlord. 80? 90? More?

Now imagine how much you'd earn, with overtime, if you were being paid at the same rate as the average copper. If you can afford to pay into a private pension scheme it's probably worth peanuts thanks to Gordon Brown's £100-billion (and counting) pension tax grab. For every pound you pay into your own pension you shell out 91p in tax to fund theirs. Yes - it's criminal.

In years to come when you are living out your retirement at subsistence level just remember you could have retired 25 years earlier on a fat, gilt-edged pension had you chosen a police career.

Of course the police will tell you they earn these rich pickings because they constantly tackle terrorists, gun-toting gangs and knife-wielding thugs. I applaud the courage of those devoted cops who do risk life and limb, the ones who enlisted to make a difference rather than a pathological desire to 'police' other people.

But such devoted individuals are rare in today's police 'authorities'. The system considers them outdated and they tend to leave the profession early in disgust. Promotion, unless you happen to be gay or from an ethnic minority, now comes through brown-nosing, rampant political correctness and maintaining high quotas of 'easy nicks'.

Coppers are more likely to be lounging in your pub all evening ready to pounce in case you serve a well-trusted regular when he's had one-over-the-eight. Or sitting outside in a police BMW waiting for the 'thumbs up' from the specially trained 17-year-old who's deliberately tried to con you into serving him a pint.

This Christmas & New Year many police areas are planning to 'move on' customers congregating outside pubs, as part of a festive 'inish-nutive' to combat the menace of smokers. They fail to recognise any difference between violent street drunks and a nicotine addict taking a fag break. No consultation, no consideration or respect for you or your business.

When the police are appealing for public support over their pay dispute don't shed a single tear. I know I'll be too busy laughing.