THE GUV'NOR
Suzie Dreja
The licensee of the Royal Oak, Southampton, shares her vision for the future of that endangered species, the Pubasaurus Britannicus
The year is 2057. Britain has survived as the 49th state of Europe, despite years of European directives.
Land is so scarce that underground structures are built to accommodate the rising population in state-funded affordable units.
During these excavations, strange structures are sometimes uncovered. The one remaining British historian is summoned. What he says, with the aid of an interpreter, is quite shocking.
Before the reign of First Overlords Brown and Blair, citizens could enjoy themselves without state interference. They gathered in large groups and enjoyed a pint (the historian has to explain this ancient measure).
From researching illicit trade publications - the voice for a group of persecuted entrepreneurs known as licensees - he discovered the ancient art of socialising.
Citizens were not only allowed to consume their favourite tipple in abolished Imperial measures, but also enjoy dishes that contained fattening and allergy-inducing ingredients such as nuts, salt and cream. They discussed banned topics such as religion and politics and made jokes about the now-extinct mother-in-law.
Beverages were served in glass containers by well-endowed persons of the female gender who enjoyed the interaction - known as "pub banter" - and did not consider suing customers for sexual harassment.
Citizens possessed sticks
of a plant called 'tobacco', which they were permitted
to put into their mouths,
set fire to and enjoy. There were fund-raising nights during which people were happy to contribute to help non-state-supported causes.
They participated in singing and quizzes where citizens tested their knowledge in subjects no longer encouraged by the state such as history, art and literature. There was a sinister atmosphere known
as "community spirit".
In a fit of nostalgia, the historian dared to demonstrate his longing for days gone past, and was promptly removed to be re-indoctrinated by the Thought Police. RIP the British pub.
