Pete Robinson: Should I start taking the pill?

Among the latest raft of information from the whitecoats comes the news that the contraceptive pill, the one they always swore would give cervical and breast cancer, now apparently protects you from contracting ANY cancer. Maybe I should start taking it?

Calm down Pete and have a cup of tea. Hold on, is tea good or bad for you at the minute? All that tannin and caffeine made tea a no-no. But I remember now. Tea is good for you again. Full of manganese and antioxidants to fight off those evil free radicals.

Coffee is still a killer though. Addictive stimulants, assorted cancers, hardening of the arteries, increased and irregular heart rate, increased blood pressure, restlessness, nausea, headache, trembling hands, tense muscles, sleep disturbances, ulcer symptoms, acid reflux (heartburn), glaucoma and osteoporosis.

In fact what has coffee ever done for us?

Well it does lower the risk for type 2 diabetes, reduce the risk of developing gallstones, discourage the development of colon cancer, improve cognitive function, reduce the risk of liver disease, protect against Parkinson's disease, improve endurance performance, help you stay more alert, relieve asthma attacks and assist in weight control. The Italians consider coffee a health drink.

Hang it I'll pop down to Yates's for a bottle of claret. We all know that red wine is good for you, packed with flavenoids as it is. A few bottles of the old rouge and you can kiss goodbye to any risk of heart disease as surely as Scottish smoking-ban research.

Not for the ladies though. The docs say your monthly cycle affects your ability to break down alcohol, and those pesky Yankee scientists insist that three glasses a day can increase your risk of breast cancer by 40%. On the other hand French eggheads tell you the same three glasses will reduce death rates from everything, including breast cancer, by 30%.

There's good and bad news for chocolate lovers too. Chocolate was bad until it was suddenly declared good. Sunbathing is fatal, you must stay out of the sun unless you want skin cancer (chance would be a fine thing in the British summer). But if you do keep out of the sun you'll miss out on essential vitamin D and develop SAD (Seasonally Affected Disorder).

Just about everything can cause cancer. Wearing a bra is a risk factor for breast cancer, wearing boxers a risk factor for prostate cancer, and eating anything tasty is a risk factor for most known diseases.

Consuming a lot or too little garlic, fat, red meat, whole grains, sugar, or any produce. And having migraines, bad teeth, pot bellies, brown eyes, funny ear lobes, grey hair, dark skin and big noses — have all been made a risk factor for something.

And tomorrow it will all change again.

What's obvious about most of this health research is that it's a load of rubbish. Most of these 'studies' don't even compile new information. They simply take data from a number of earlier studies then run them all through the statistical mangle until the desired result is achieved. Then everyone gets paid and the researchers can go home in their BMWs, Jags and Mercs.

Most of the 'passive smoking' research falls firmly under the category of 'Junk-Science'. You can expect a whole new spectrum of these taxpayer-funded studies following the UK smoking ban, that will insist lives are being saved by the stadium-full.

Cancers, heart attacks, impotency, cot death - all these and more will appear seemingly eradicated thanks to the nannying interference of the State.

But given the number of fatal diseases the antis claim cigarette smoke is supposed to cause, it wouldn't be hard to find something over any given period that goes down - especially if the sample is sufficiently small in number. Similarly some death rate statistics will actually increase following the ban. It's just that you won't get to hear about those studies.

The real problem is that medical research is obsessed with risk management, whereas the general public has very little grasp of the mathematics of risk. For example if your chances of acquiring AIDS is virtually zero, a 75% increase in the 'risk' of catching AIDS is still virtually zero.

So my advice for a long, stress-free life is to take ALL health scares with a pinch of salt.

Just a minute, is salt good or bad for us today?