Pete Robinson: It's official - pubs give you cancer

The good news is that the heat is off smokers, for now at least. A new campaign is underway to demonise that other favourite social habit, alcohol. What's more it's a thinly disguised attack on pubs.

All pubs and bars are deemed guilty by the New Establishment of promoting the binge drinking culture, while supermarkets are going to get away with it yet again.

Now Cancer Research UK, backed by the World Health Organisation's typically dubious statistical 'evidence', have launched a campaign to convince us the evil drink leads to cancer of the mouth, larynx, oesophagus, liver, breast and bowel. Drinking alcohol during pregnancy "increases the risk" of leukaemia in the children of wicked, irresponsible mothers.

For the sake of good measure they throw in the estimate that alcohol "causes 2000 cases of breast cancer in the UK every year" and say "6% of cancer deaths in the UK are caused by alcohol".

Further, they claim, "8 million people in the UK currently drink at risky levels", i.e. all those who use pubs.

But hallelujah, oh cursed sinners, ye may repent! We can all be saved by adhering strictly to their prescribed alcohol limits. They are, wait for it, no more than ONE pint of beer per day for males and a half-pint of the frothy stuff, or one small glass of vino, for the ladies. Or you'll get cancer.

For reasons that elude me they go on to point out that drinking "makes you more likely to be involved in accidents, violence and unsafe sex". So if cancer doesn't get you the grim reaper will still be on hand with a knife in the chest, a steep flight of stairs or a dose of AIDS. Wait till they hear this at the British Legion.

Cancer Research UK also states that you should sip your drinks slowly, drink soft drinks and find something else to do instead - for example, if you drink to relax, have a bath or a cup of tea. You must also have alcohol-free days to remind yourself you don't always have to drink. Or you'll get cancer.

If you're concerned this idea might knock a shed-sized hole in your already struggling wet-sales Cancer Research UK also have your menus firmly targeted in their sights. They catagorically state that "a quarter of all cancer deaths are caused by unhealthy diets and obesity. Our diet influences our risk of many cancers, including cancers of the bowel, stomach, mouth, foodpipe and breast."

There's not room here for all the colon-twitching, scary propaganda but as you can guess 5-a-day, no fat/salt/sugar, high fibre, obesity, 'hidden' calories, cancer, heart disease, high blood pressure, stroke and diabetes - it's all there. Basically it rules out just about everything on a gastro-pub's menu other than the melon boat and fruit salad, unsweetened of course.

Sure, you could radically revise your menu and pack it exclusively with healthy, organic options. Just one problem there - paying customers hate the stuff. Look at the Jamie Oliver fiasco in schools. Now kids skip school dinners and go down to McDonalds or the chippie instead.

It would be easy to laugh all this off as the mere lunatic ravings of health faddists. But these people always seem to get their way to the detriment of the rest of us. They are extremely well organised and damned good at what they do.

Cancer Research UK has been dabbling in politics for years and, with their huge financial resources together with ready access to taxpayers' funds, the forthcoming agenda will be relentless. Like a replay of the smoking ban with harmless tipplers in the cross-hairs.

The Elf 'n Safety will be gleefully sharpening their pencils right now at the prospect of enforcing an ever-expanding raft of draconian measures naively designed to pull pubs into line with new health 'initiatives'. Initiatives like:

• Advertising restrictions.
• Compulsory health warnings on pumps, poly-glasses and beer mats.
• Alcohol limits as low as 2.8% on beers. Spirit bottles to be removed from public view.
• Huge increases in tax revenue.
• A complete ban on the sale of alcopops.
• Control over the design and colours of attractive bottle labels.
• No special offers, discounts or free merchandise.
• Compulsory purchase of a 330ml mixer with every shot of spirit sold.

These suggestions aren't just possible but likely. Picture the scene where a H&S official is ordering the removal of bacon from your list of ingredients in favour of turkey rashers.

Imagine your pub menu listing half a page of nutritional information and health warnings below each item, with a mandatory 33% of the front and rear covers indicating in huge capitals that your food causes cancer. Maybe even grotesque colour photographs of diseased organs.

Not possible? That's what we all said about the blanket smoking ban just two years ago.