Making sense of things...
Comprehending modern day 'corporate speak' is never easy, especially a chairman's AGM speech. So given the importance of the boss's comments, an insight into the coded language used can prove useful.
Below is what one chairman reportedly uttered at a recent shareholder get-together with, in italics, a translation of what he really meant:
"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. It has been a satisfactory (poor) start to the year for the company, though it should be remembered that last year at this time there was an exceptional level of new launch activity (sales are, in fact, seriously on the slide).
"Raw materials are continuing to show some volatility (input costs are totally out of control) and we are in constructive discussions with our retailing partners over making appropriate price changes (the bastards are squeezing us like hell).
"There will, inevitably, be some time lags involved (margins are disappearing). The innovation programme this year is second half weighted (our latest new products have completely bombed) and we expect sales momentum to build during the year (it's been a catastrophic start).
"Following a detailed strategic review (panic Board meeting) we remain absolutely committed to the business (exhaustive attempts to sell it at give-away prices have finally been abandoned).
"There has been a change in accounting standards which requires us to re-state last year's results (our only hope of showing any growth at all this year is to fiddle the comparatives - again!). We are also considering some revisions to post-retirement employee benefit financing (the auditors have finally stopped us raiding the pension fund). This is a highly technical adjustment and it is too early to provide any further details (I don't really understand it and absolutely refuse to answer questions on the matter).
"Our core brands (defined as any brand with sales increasing) are doing well but sales are being impacted, as we have consistently said (this bad news is entirely new but we want to give the impression that everybody already knows) by our decision to selectively rationalise the range (retailers have de-listed half our products).
"We are pricing intelligently (there is a suicidal price war going on) and continue to have an aggressive approach to cost cutting (this excludes executive board remuneration, obviously).
"Recent initiatives on media buying will lead to substantial savings towards the back end of the year (we are softening you up ahead of the big cut in advertising which will be needed in the fourth quarter in order to get anywhere near forecasts).
"Those of you who follow us closely will be aware that the current quarter is a seasonally weak one (we want to make any analyst who challenges us about the appalling first quarter look like an idiot) but, overall, trading is broadly in line with expectations (well under budget, but not quite bad enough for a formal profit warning)."
Spotted any examples of 'corporate bullshit' lately? Let us know, email us at city@thepublican.com
