The Big Interview: The Pub Landlord Al Murray
How will you communicate the smoking ban to your regulars?
The same way as I communicate most crucial information to my punters, by shouting and a humorous sign behind the bar.
Will you be installing patio heaters to accommodate smokers?
That would imply I had a patio. What I¹ve got is a beer garden/ car park, which has sadly been subject to vandalism, so my smoking punters could always warm themselves by a burning car or two.
Is white wine still the drink of choice for women?
Rules is rules! Pint for the fella, glass of white wine for the lady!! Back off Brussels.
Would you allow ladies to buy fruit-flavoured beers?
Well, I suppose I might, in halves. Let¹s stop and ask, though, is a fruit-flavoured beer really a beer? Real beer has to be slightly unpleasant, in order to put children off. Now everything tastes nice we¹ve got these binge-drinking ASBO kids everywhere.
What do you think of extra cold beers?
My favourite is that one that spins round and round and turns itself into a slush puppy. That¹s technology. To think the Americans wasted time putting a man on the moon!
How do you deal with underage drinkers?
The age-old standard publican¹s underage drinker test. How old are you? What year were you born? Never let me down yet.
Are you disappointed that extended licensing hours have ended the traditional lock-in?
Yeah. This government seems to want to trash every tradition we hold dear in this country. Let¹s not forget closing time was designed to defeat the Germans in WW1 that¹s good enough for me, it should be good enough for Tony Blair.
Are you opening your pub later under the new licensing laws?
No.
Should chips count as one of your five-a-day portions of fruit and veg?
The question implies they don¹t. And if you eat enough Œsalad cream¹ you should get enough vitamins to see you through, as well as jaundice from the colouring.
Is Aussie wine better than French wine?
Of course it is. It's British, in effect.
Have you adapted your staff recruitment policies to take the new age discrimination legislation into account?
Again, back off Brussels!
Penny Lancaster or Rachel Hunter?
Both at once. That¹d show Rod.
Are you showing the Ashes in your pub?
Yes, though the smug look on my Aussie barman¹s face is an argument against it. We invented cricket, they shouldn¹t forget that.
Are you opening on Christmas Day?
Naturally. Well, we¹re staying open from the Christmas Eve lock-in. We¹re hoping it¹s going to be like the original Christmas Eve with some virgins turning up.
It¹s The Publican¹s round what are you drinking?
A winter warmer will do me. And some scratchings please.
Do you offer free soft drinks to designated drivers over the Christmas period?
If you¹re so stupid as to be the designated driver, if you¹re not slick enough to get someone else to do it, then you should pay. Never volunteer for anything is my advice.
The Pub Landlord seeks ... pub landlords
Al Murray, the Pub Landlord, is on the lookout for publicans to star in his primetime TV show.
The brand new show will see the Guv¹nor Œinterview¹ some of the biggest names in entertainment and showbiz, while a major music act will be permitted to play a recent hit... as long as they agree to finish the show with a Queen song.
Each week the Pub Landlord will welcome a guest pub, represented in the audience by its licensee, a staff member or two and a group of regulars.
So if you have an interesting pub with a famous regular or even a resident ghost contact Dan Trelfer on 020 7598 7377 or at dant@avalonuk.com
