My Shout - Stephen Oliver Union pubs MD
In October 2006 the Brothers Grimm, Tony and Gordon, decreed that their subjects should be yet more bound with red tape.
Ageist words must be struck from the dictionary. This poses some tricky challenges for the industry.
In this brave new world, famous Nottingham pub Ye Olde Trip to Jerusalem may well become the Trip to Jerusalem, but to avoid giving offence to the Palestinians, the Jewish reference may have to be dropped.
Just calling it the Trip has the police worried it might undermine their local antisocial behaviour and drugs campaign, so in the blink of an eye it's now the historic pub with no name. Investigations are also taking place into the Turk's Head for good measure.
With new fire safety laws, too, the Copper Kettle would have to be re-named the Copper Kettle Passed Inspection On 17 FebruaryStephen Oliver Union pubs MD.
The new law doesn't just affect pubs but beers, too, and Owd Rodger may be deemed offensive to Rodgers, so the Owd goes.
The remaining moniker Rodger falls foul of the new Portman Group code on the naming and packaging of beers under the "sexual innuendo" clause, so suddenly it's the no-brand beer.
With new fire safety laws, too, the Copper Kettle would have to be re-named the Copper Kettle Passed Inspection On 17 February.
The Three Tuns is definitely up for the chop as its sign, showing a triple dose of 252 imperial gallons (sorry, 954 litres), is seen to encourage binge-drinking.
The Fox & Hounds is also likely to be hounded out of existence shortly, to be replaced by the Drag Hunt.
Although cock-fighting has been outlawed since 1952, the Fighting Cocks is now doomed on several counts including antisocial behaviour.
As for the Builder's Arms, the Working at Height Regulations mean that a risk assessment has to be prepared every time it opens. The Disability Discrimination Act means the Crooked House at Himley will have to be renamed as it draws undue attention to a deficiency. The Duty Stamps Order 2006 puts paid to the Leather Bottle, now re-dubbed the Leather Bottle (Duty Paid). Moving way from the bar and into the kitchen, the Old Cheshire Cheese and Slug & Lettuce are in trouble on Food Safety Act grounds. London's Dirty Dicks unsurprisingly gets a visit from the EHO. The Ram Jam Inn in Leicestershire might well have exceeded its capacity limit under the Licensing Act.
The Bag O'Nails almost got away with keeping its name until an aggrieved neighbour complained to the licensing committee under the Clean Neighbourhoods and Environment Act that it was a corruption of "bacchanal" or "drunken and riotous or noisy".
On a positive note the Paternity & Adoption Leave Regulations 2006 mean that the Eagle & Child in Oxford is safe from interference, as long as the eagle has been checked by the Criminal Records Bureau.
The only pubs that are immune from this flood of legislation are the Rovers Return, the Queen Vic and the Woolpack and they - like some politicians - aren't in the real world.
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