The game of the name
In one of the dafter competitions invented by those who love drink - and let's face it there have been some damn fool drinking competitions over the years - 12 celebrity wines were put to the test last month to find out which was best.
Choosing one bland bottle of celebrity wine over another has, it must be said, not much more value than claiming Tango is a more "presumptuous" soda than Irn-Bru. And yet despite this nadir of star-studded rotgut Wine & Spirit magazine chose to publish a "Top of the Pops" chart of the plonk produced by the famous. Actor Sam Neill's Two Paddocks Pinot Noir claimed the top spot, Ian Botham's Chateau Botham came in with a bullet at number two while Sir Cliff Richard's Vida Nova struggled to reach ninth place. The bachelor boy's Portuguese tincture was "too young" with "very green tannins" according to the magazine. It had, I gather, all the subtlety of a '90s boy band.
Not that the criticism matters a jot. Vida Nova is flying off the shelves faster than a Hello! exclusive, while wines by Sting, Bob Dylan and Gerard Depardieu are more popular nowadays than anything created by a Rothschild. This glittering grog will, I fear, soon be making its way into our pubs. Punters will begin to ask for a glass of Sir Cliff's refreshing Summer Holiday wine or a Message in a Bottle from Sting.
After that it can only be a matter of time before our better known drinks brands go the way of supermarket pasta sauces which are all named after celebrities such as Loyd Grossman, Paul Newman, Ainsley Harriott and Gordon Ramsay. How long before we see Keith Richard Bourbon, Jordan's Lambrini, and Jenson Button Cava (now that he has finally won a grand prix).
Meanwhile one can be sure that the celebrity culture will inveigle itself into our pub language. Britney Spears is already rhyming slang for a few beers. A vodka (voddie) and tonic could be a Bill Oddie. A Kate Moss is possibly an alternative name for a Coke, while any day now a Posh 'n' Becks (she is top totty, he sounds like a German beer) will be the euphemism for a lager-top.
Best of British, or is it?
British Airways has signed a three-year contract this summer with Heineken to serve the Dutch lager on all its flights. I have nothing against Heineken - if one is going to drink lager I suppose one might as well drink the dull European fizz rather than the Australian or American amber rubbish. What I do object to is British Airways' failure to consider a British beer. Britain's brewers are now producing wonderful golden ales designed to counter the mass-market global brands - Hop Back's Summer Lightning, Exmoor Gold, Crouch Vale Brewers Gold and Castle Rock's Nottingham Gold are all examples of excellent lager-type beers, many of which are included in Roger Protz's classic book 300 Beers to Try Before You Die.
By choosing Heineken, British Airways has shown its name is a sham. It is a multinational corporation (with a call centre in India) that no more flies the flag for Britain than does Shell petroleum (owned mainly by the Dutch). It could be said that Heineken reaches the parts British beers cannot reach... I wonder why?
Why the local's a safe bet
I don't want to make light of Union Pubco boss Stephen Oliver's worries that terrorists might target pubs, but it seems to me to be unlikely that your average al-Qaeda cell will choose the local to commit an atrocity. It is one thing for a Guinness-drinking member of the IRA who is partial to a potato crisp and a pull of the one-arm bandit to first "recce" and then slip unnoticed into an English saloon bar to set off his bomb. It is quite another matter for a militant Muslim to fade into the background of a British boozer. Alcohol, pork and gambling are forbidden in Islam. A long-bearded swarthy bloke hunkered down in the snug nursing a sports drink and refusing a scratching would be more conspicuous than a clean-shaven Christian carrying a pint of heavy while demanding that the Imam show him the whereabouts of the Mosque fruit machine.
Meat source is pie in the sky
A growing number of diners are demanding more information about where their food is sourced, according to a recent Meat & Livestock Commission survey. The poll reveals that almost 50% of consumers believe menus should display the origin of meat products.
It may be what customers want, but it is most unlikely that the average pie-and-chips landlords will provide it. I can't imagine the pub chalkboard in my local stating that the turkey in the sandwich comes from Bernard Matthews, that the bacon has Danish written all over it and that the burger "is from the local wholesaler that imported the reconstituted meat from a Polish abattoir, mixed it with soy, sodium, saturated fats and chemicals and then froze it into a succulent all-beef patty".
