Q&A: Al Murray, Pub Landlord
Al Murray, Pub Landlord, took time out from his UK tour to talk exclusively to The Publican about Blair, beer and balls. |
- The Prime Minister, Tony Blair, has just announced the "Big Conversation", where he will travel the country talking to the British public. What questions or words of advice will you have for Mr Blair if he comes knocking on your door?
Well it's obvious really. What he needs to do is spend more on British pubs - I think a carvery in every pub in the land would be something that the whole country would be right behind. That and free dry roasted peanuts in schools. The birch for any man who drinks alcopops. That would swing the next election. And, of course, bringing back hanging, if only for the sake of the rope industry.
Tell us how you felt seeing England lift the Rugby World Cup after beating Australia.
It's was beautiful wasn't it, the way we crushed the Aussies by three points? Of course, like everyone else I know nothing about rugby, but I reckon I could easily have done the strategy for the team. Plan A: give it to Jonny. Plan B: Jonny kick it.
No sooner had we thrashed the Aussies, than it was announced we would play in the same group as France at next year's European football championships. What encouragement have you got for our boys as they contemplate facing the tournament favourites?
Well what I like about the England football team is their economy. If they don't need to score goals they don't bother as we saw in the England v Turkey game. The way Beckham deliberately missed that penalty was top notch - as captain he was setting the perfect example, why score a goal we don't need?
What are the qualities needed to be a good publican?
A calm inner strength, patience, a sense of one-ness with beer, an understanding of snacks on a spiritual level, a feeling for your drinkers and their needs and moods, and a really big dog.
How do you deal with trouble in your pub?
Well, as a graduate of Landlord Academy, I am an expert in bar physics and fight dynamics, including "leave it, he's not worth it" strategies, and "come on boys, we've all had a good laugh now" manoeuvres. That and a really big dog.
Do you have a dress code in your pub?
No work clothes, no boots, no dogs except guide dogs. Though I have to admit if a guide dog came in wearing work clothes and boots I'd be stumped.
The cask ale sector continues to decline. How can we encourage the nation to get back to drinking proper beer?
In the end it's all proper beer my friend, the beers need to stick together in the face of the alcopop onslaught. Beer is a broad church - why it even includes Belgian beers without prejudice - and only by standing four square against these sweet drinks will beer from the cask, the bottle and even the draught-flow system, triumph once again.
What are your views on the news that a record number of men are now drinking wine and alcopops such as Smirnoff Ice?
It might well be a record, but it's not one that anyone could ever be proud of. There's not a medal in it, is there?
What's the greatest abomination, French lager or German wine?
What a question. That's like choosing between French cars and German sex appeal... I'd have to say it's impossible to choose. At least French beer is priced up by many patriotic landlords as too expensive to put people off from drinking it.
Crisps, pork scratchings or cashew/pistachio nuts?
Is this magazine called Wine Bar Monthly? I don't think so. Any nut that requires fiddly shelling is using a hand that could be clutching a pint.
As a self-confessed traditionalist with regards to pub snacks, how do you regard the growing number of pubs selling bags of continental-style salami behind their bars?
Nut, crisp, scratching - short words for classic snacks. Continental-style salami - too many syllables for a mouthful innit?
A growing number of pubs are updating menus, replacing traditional fare such as ham, egg and chips with more modern dishes. What's on the menu in your pub?
Ploughmans. The classic. White bread - never French stick, cheddar not brie, pickle - NEVER chutney, I was never confused.
Apparently pubs are missing a trick by not catering for women enough. How do you target the ladies in your premises?
This is the thing about marketing, ladies are not targets. Ladies should be treated like ladies, you should hold a door open for her, get her drink for her, buy her lunch, but never allow her to drink beer of any kind.
The government classifies four pints a day as binge-drinking. What do you think?
Tony Blair is clearly a man who has never drunk four pints in his life, so he would think that wouldn't he?
When making a Mojito cocktail, how much demerara sugar do you muddle?
You what?
Who was your idol as a child?
My dad. He was the finest publican in the country, he lived his allotted two score years and five, a genius, he could do the sums for a round without moving his lips.
Winston Churchill was recently voted the greatest Briton to ever walk this land. Who is your greatest Briton and why?
I have to agree it's Churchill. The greatest man ever to walk these islands - a hero. And never forget that he was half British, half American, which meant his British half had to over-compensate wildly. Mind you people these days think that all those old heroes were gay and that's bang out of order. Churchill wanted to fight them on the beaches not roll about naked on 'em. He'd have got sand in his... next question!
If Rupert Murdoch came into your local what advice would you give on his Sky Sports pricing policy for landlords? Would you give him an old-fashioned Castlemaine XXXX?
Well, we've only got Sky Sports Nine, which seems to mainly be ping pong, so he should sort that out. And I'd serve him a XXXX, and I'd make sure it was nice and warm because that's what he'd expect as an Aussie.
Who should be the next Prime Minister?
Me, though I think that the problem is the public aren't that mad about bald right wing blokes.
