Jennings: Trying to understand the anti-beer conspiracy

14-Nov-2012 - Last updated on 11-Mar-2017 at 23:37 GMT

Jennings: "Why is it that beer and pubs bear the main brunt of the witch hunt against alcohol, never the supermarkets?"

I really am fascinated by conspiracy theories and arcane organisations and have always been a great fan of Dan Brown, he of The Da Vinci Code, Angels & Demons, The Lost Symbol and so on. So it will come as no surprise to learn that I believe our business, especially after what it has been through in the past few years, is dogged by conspiracies every bit as weird as anything that Mr Brown has dreamt up.

As an example, why is it that, when it comes to duty, with one or two minuscule concessions, beer takes the rap while cider and, most of all, whisky is off the hook? Indeed, why are whisky and cider producers pandered to by Government while all we beer people get is arrogant indifference?

Why is it that beer and pubs bear the main brunt of the witch hunt against alcohol, never the supermarkets? Why is it that the beer business seems to be incapable of creating a lobbying organisation with the power of the cider and the whisky people?

Despite this, why is it that our enemies always manage to present us as something immensely powerful when in fact we show as much bite as a toothless old dog? It’s like witch finder-general Matthew Hopkins versus Daffy Duck.

I’ve thought a lot about what’s at the bottom of these conspiracies against our beer business and have come to a geo-political conclusion. I’m a South African, so raised in a country where things tribal are extremely important.

I suddenly realised that the tribal thing is the key to the problem here. Simply stated, the Scots or the Picts have their whisky, which neither Government nor witch finders dare mess with, similarly the Celts in the West Country have their cider ring-fenced while the poor, long-suffering English majority get nothing but ever rising duty to pay for the lot. If that isn’t a conspiracy I don’t know what is.

To combat this mounting threat to beer, and in proper Dan Brown spirit, let’s form our own cabal. I suggest that it be called Deus Latis, a compliment to the female Dea Latis organisation.

The followers of the goddess exist to change female perceptions of beer but I see Deus Latis confounding our enemies. Opus Dei will have nothing on us.