In session... with Ben McFarland

Having spent the large part of his professional life writing about beer Ben McFarland fears he may have turned into the very thing he has always...

Having spent the large part of his professional life writing about beer Ben McFarland fears he may have turned into the very thing he has always dislike: a beer snob. Take Ben's test to see what kind of beer fan you are.

My name is Ben McFarland and I think I may be a beer snob.

It was while out drinking with my older brother recently that I had this unfortunate epiphany. He'd dispatched me to the bar for a couple of pints of London Pride but I returned to the table carrying not two pints of Fuller's finest but two bottles of St.Feuillen, strong at seven per cent, and a pair of elaborate glasses.

Enchanted by the range of Belgian beers, I had smugly thought that, rather than get the two pints as requested it would be a good idea to impress my elder sibling with my extensive knowledge of Walloon's brewing heritage, enlighten him as to the delightful idiosyncrasies of arguably the world's greatest brewing nation and wax lyrical about the time I visited the brewery and discussed with the master brewer, in great detail I'll have you know, the true and noble art of beer-making.

And that's exactly what I did. For the entire time my brother sat quietly opposite me, slowly sipping the beer, nodding, raising his eyebrows intermittently and peering at the back label of the bottle.

As soon as I'd concluded my sermon, he leant forward and, like a father telling his son that Santa doesn't exist, gently broke the bad news.

"I don't really like it," he said. "It's just a bit too much. Actually, to be honest mate, most of the funny beers you make me drink are a bit much. I just like a nice pint of bitter."

I was shocked and a little hurt. Of course, I told him his opinion was wrong and banged on about the cornucopia of flavours, variety of hops and sensual aromas.

It was then that he launched the killer blow: "Yeah, but you're just a snobby beer geek".

And there we have it. I'd always maintained that beer snobbery and geekdom were neither big nor clever and that they represent everything that is tedious about the world of beer. But he was right I was "going native" and was well on my way to becoming a dreaded drinking dictator.

How critical was my condition? I had to know. So I set myself the following multiple choice quiz. I won't tell you what I scored but, suffice it to say, it was a worrying eye-opener.

You order a pint of cask ale in a pub which the publican duly serves you in peak Cask Marque-accredited condition. Do you:

a) Refuse to drink that warm muck and order a bottle of Bud
b) Happily drink it
c) Take a sip, pull a funny face, hand it back to the publican with disdain before banging on mercilessly about metallic aftertastes and dodgy pipes

You return to the pub, blistered and parched, from a treacherous trek across the Sahara only to discover that the only beer available is an extra cold lager from a big brewery. Do you:

a) Gleefully press your cracked lips against the chilled glass and dispatch the ice-cold liquid down your rasping throat
b) Ask for a lime and soda
c) Drain the moisture from your own soiled underwear to keep you going until the dray-horses deliver a nice pint of mild

What's the rudest word in the English language?

a) &*%$£&*%$!!
b) The F word
c) Nitrokeg

What's your idea of happiness?

a) Sharing a bottle of wine, a candle-lit meal and a water bed with a loved one
b) Watching the football with mates and a six-pack of lager
c) Standing at the end of the bar on your own, chin nestled into your breast like a duck, tightly clasping a pint of Old Peculier to your chest, muttering to yourself about Balling degrees and rocking back and forth on your heels

How would you describe a London Porter?

a) About 5ft 10in in a uniform, a funny hat and carrying loads of bags
b) A bit dark and a little too filling. Nice, though
c) A glowering sheen of bitter pompitude enveloped within a shroud of roasted nuttiness and a congenial phenolic finish of Dickensian viscosity. It disambiguates the senses with awe and Fugglesome arrogance

You're out with mates and one of them orders a pitcher of Carling. What do you do?

a) Drink it happily
b) Drink it but buy something more "challenging" when it's your round
c) Attack your mate with a claw hammer

A well-intentioned regional brewer buys a small yet struggling craft brewery. Do you:

a) Not give a monkey's
b) Wait to see if they compromise the standards of the beer
c) Boycott their beers and their pubs before sending a ticking package to the chief executive's family home

What does IBU stand for?