The Stoke Inn has taken a disliking to the "awful human beings who buy their beer from supermarkets with the weekly shop" and only visit pubs at Christmas.
During the festive period at the pub in Plymouth, Devon, customers are not allowed to approach the bar unless they already know what they want, "hot girls" are automatically served first and drinks are only allowed to be order in rounds.
And there's not much patience for customers who clog up the bar.
'Everyone hates you'
"Every single person waiting to get served wants your group to die in a complicated house fire," the pub explains on its Facebook page.
"Everyone hates you. Every actual drinker in the pub hates you and all the serving staff hate you."
The Stoke Inn's rules are designed for customers who fall outside of the pub's definition of "decent, honest boozers".
The rules come with a warning not to read if you're easily offended, as it doesn't pull any punches.
Any part-timers are ordered not to start drinking at 4pm.
'You're an amateur'
"You're NOT a drinker. We haven't seen you all year. You're an amateur, so don't start out with a marathon," the pub explains.
"This is why you're puking and crying before nine o'clock at night."
Expect regulars to be served first at the Stoke Inn.
"That's Bob. Bob drinks here all the time. Bob drinks here five times a week, every week. Bob and the other regulars keep the pub open 11 months of the year while you're having dinner parties and bulk-buying booze from the supermarket."
Rules
If you're planning a visit to the Stoke Inn, don't try to attract attention at the bar by waving money, don't play music from iPhone speakers, and never try to get a drink after last orders.
"Pubs don't stop serving because they hate you (that's a lie, sometimes they do) or because it's funny or because they get bored of selling beer. It's a legal requirement," the pub explains.
"See you in 12 months, you f****** p*****."
The Stoke Inn's full rules are detailed below:
Please, please do not read this if you are easily offended, but we have a few rules this Christmas...
XMAS AT THE STOKE INN, PLYMOUTH
It's that festive time of year when decent, honest boozers are plagued by non-drinkers. And not real non-drinkers, not people who don't ever drink, they're fine. We're talking about people who don’t go near a pub for 11 months out of the year, the kind of awful human beings who buy their beer from supermarkets with the weekly shop, people who consume such a laughable quantity of alcohol that they can only be designated as "non-drinkers".
Whether it's the Christmas work's do or a festive drink with friends, you are ruining pubs for the rest of us. Everyone hates you. Every actual drinker in the pub hates you and all the serving staff hate you. You're awful. Here’s a guide on how to not be quite so awful:
DO NOT APPROACH THE BAR UNTIL YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT
• The bar is an intricate machine full of separate-yet-interconnecting cogs. It is NOT the place to think or choose or decide. The engine only works if everyone knows their place and performs their function. Do you hear that collective groan as you ask the bartender if they've got cranberry juice or as you turn around to ask Barbara what she wants to drink? That groan is you single-handedly sucking life away from your fellow drinkers. Make a decision first, then go to the bar and order what you’ve selected. Just like ANY OTHER FORM OF COMMERCE!
DON'T START DRINKING AT 4pm
• You're NOT a drinker. We haven't seen you all year. You're an amateur, so don't start out with a marathon. You can't just rock up to the Premier League one day saying "I'm match fit, lads!" This is why you're puking and crying before nine o'clock at night.
YOU ARE IN A ROUND
• I don't care who you're with, how many of you there are or how well you know them. You are in a round with all the people you came in with. That's how it works. You see those 25 loud, burly, drunken rugby players on the other side of the pub? They are a pleasure to serve compared to you. They order eight pints of lager, eight pints of Guinness, six pints of bitter and three Jack Daniel's, then they pay the bill in one fell swoop. Your group orders 10 drinks - one-at-a-time - and then pays for them all one-at-a-time as the rest of the pub creeps closer to death's eternal grasp waiting for you to finish, despite the fact nine of you are drinking the same f****** drink and the last person, THE LAST PERSON, wants a Guinness putting on. Every single person waiting to get served wants your group to die in a complicated house fire.
KNOW WHERE YOU ARE
• Look around you. What kind of drinking establishment are you in? Is it a pub or a bar? If there's 85 lads watching football on the telly, stop trying to be a drunk, flirty attention-whore because it won’t work. If the walls are cluttered with offers of six shots of neon Sourz for a fiver, don't try asking for that single malt whisky you memorised from Mad Men. Equally, if it's a pub adorned with wood furnishings and hand-pulls, stop trying to get the landlord to make that s***** cocktail you saw on Sex And The City.
HOT GIRLS GET SERVED FIRST
• Welcome to western civilization.
iPHONE ETIQUETTE
• OK, the music isn't great. It's nothing to write home about. But it's been specifically selected to offend the least amount of people. It's background music. If you want anything else, then you want to be at a club or a gig. If, however, you've decided to "do the pub a favour" by blaring out a playlist from your iPhone, then you are a t***. A prize, prize t***. Other expletives come to mind. Likewise, don't get offended if the barman politely gives you a pound and rejects all six Abba songs you paid for.
ATTRACTING ATTENTION
• Newsflash: You are NOT next. You might have been in the bar queue longer than anybody else, but that doesn't mean you're next. Do you know why? Because there are no "official rules of queuing at the bar". The bartender is 100% in charge of who is next. So do not piss them off. Yes, they can see you. You do not need to bang your change on the top of the bar. You do not need to wave your money around in the air, as if you're the only person in the room with a tenner (unless it's a strip club). You especially do not need to click your fingers like a Parisian café p**** or whistle like a shepherd herding his flock. These tactics will only achieve one outcome: no matter how long you've been waiting up until this point, you've just moved yourself to the back of the queue.
PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT
• If an old bloke sat at the bar gets served before you do, and the bartender knows him by name and even seems to know what he's drinking before he orders it, just shut the f*** up. That's Bob. Bob drinks here all the time. Bob drinks here five times a week, every week. Bob's custom pays the bills. Bob and the other regulars keep the pub open 11 months of the year while you're having dinner parties and bulk-buying booze from the supermarket. Yes, they get preferential treatment. Accept it and shut the f*** up.
TIME IS TIME (sometimes)
• Pubs don't stop serving because they hate you (that's a lie, sometimes they do) or because it's funny or because they get bored of selling beer. It's a legal requirement for them to stop serving at a designated time. Once time is called, they are legally unable to sell any more beer. You cannot cajole them into selling more, because it's a legal requirement. You cannot bribe them into selling more, either with the promise of drinks or money, because it's a legal requirement. You cannot reason or argue them into selling more, because it's a legal f****** requirement. "Who's gonna know? There's nobody around, I won't tell anyone." THAT'S HOW THE HOLOCAUST STARTED!
See you in 12 months, you f****** p*****.