“Err...there are problems with the pub sector Prime Minister, haven’t you heard?”
“Yes of course I’ve heard. I thought one of our Select Committees was getting to grips with this.”
“If only it were that simple Prime Minister.”
“I don’t follow.”
“It’s complicated Prime Minister. I don’t want to bore you with the details.”
“I need to know Humphrey. Greg Mulholland and Toby Perkins have asked for a meeting with our pubs minister next week; they’re bound to start badgering us about it.”
“Will Bob Neill be there?”
“No. He texted me earlier; mentioned something about meeting up with Robert Mugabe for a bit of bayonet practice. I’m not quite sure what all that’s about.”
“Well, as I was saying Prime Minister, it’s…err... complicated.”
“How complicated can it be Humphrey? The tied business model clearly isn’t working. All the pubcos have to do is make some concessions to get things back on track. Not exactly rocket science, is it?”
“Well actually it’s funny you should say that because the pubcos insist things are ….err…..err…”
“Things are what?”
“Things are ...err…”
“Spit it out Humphrey, for God’s sake man, spit it out.”
“Err….working Prime Minister.”
“I’m sorry?”
“The pubcos have re-iterated the line that things are working Prime Minister.”
“Really? Well that’s at odds with what I’m hearing. Greg and Toby are telling us the Beer Barometer’s in freefall and that it’s costing us valuable revenue. Is this correct Humphrey?”
“Err…yes Prime Minister.
“They’re also telling us pubcos can’t afford to make the much needed changes to their business model because they’re weighed down with a debt mountain acquired through speculative property investment. Is this correct Humphrey?”
“Err…yes Prime Minister.”
“They’re also telling us large numbers of tied pubs are closing; resulting in huge losses of revenue for us. Is this correct Humphrey?”
“Err…yes Prime Minister.”
“They’re also telling us pubcos are deliberately classifying pubs as ‘unviable’ so that they can sell them off to property developers and supermarkets. Is this correct Humphrey?”
“Err…yes Prime Minister.”
“They’re also telling us many of these so called ‘unviable pubs’ could in fact have a future under a more equitable system; allowing them to generate additional income for us. Is this correct Humphrey?”
“Err…yes Prime Minister.”
“They’re also telling us the BBPA are asking for future duty rises on beer to be abolished. Meanwhile brewers are hiking prices at around 6% per annum. Is this correct Humphrey?”
“Err…yes Prime Minister.”
“They’re also telling us many tenants are now so impoverished they’re reliant upon tax credits to survive. Is this correct Humphrey?”
“Err…yes Prime Minister.”
“The upshot of all this is that we’re helping to service pubco debt. Is this correct Humphrey?”
“Err…yes Prime Minister.”
“They’re also telling us the reason my local pub couldn’t offer a wide range of the new exciting beers coming onto the market is because up and coming brewers can’t afford to offer the level of discounts the pubcos are demanding. Is this correct Humphrey?”
“Err…yes Prime Minister.”
“And this in turn is stifling competition and restricting customer choice whilst enabling the more established brewers to retain market share.”
“Err…yes Prime Minister.”
“They’re also telling us that the pubcos have given government all manner of reasons why revenues from pubs keep falling; demographical changes, changing lifestyles, the weather, government fiscal policy etc etc but are conveniently forgetting to factor any of them into their FMT calculations. Is this correct Humphrey?”
“Err...FMT?”
“Fair maintainable trade - the pie in the sky calculations pubcos use for rent setting.
“Err…yes Prime Minister.”
They’re also telling us that rather than falling in line with market conditions, FMT projections continue to rise. Is this correct Humphrey?”
“Err…yes Prime Minister.”
“They’re also telling us brewers continue to hike prices to the on-trade to help recoup margin lost to the buying power of the supermarkets. Is this correct Humphrey?”
“Err…yes Prime Minister.”
“They’re also telling us that the upshot of this is that the on-trade is in fact subsidising the off-trade.” Is this correct Humphrey?”
“Err…yes Prime Minister.”
“They’re also telling us that the other beneficiary of the rising price of beer is pubcos; using their buying power to limit the impact of price hikes, yet passing on the full retail price to their tenants. Is this correct Humphrey?”
“Err…yes Prime Minister.”
“They’re also telling us that they suspect collusion between pubcos and brewers; that the OFT needs to investigate the possibility that a gentleman’s agreement is in place. Is this correct Humphrey?”
“Err…yes Prime Minister.”
“They’re also telling us pubcos are continuing to inflate dilapidations, thereby ensuring they don’t have to give tenants their deposits back. Is this correct Humphrey?”
“Err…yes Prime Minister.”
“They’re also telling us pubcos continue to insist their business model’s evolving, yet refuse to implement even the most basic of reforms, such as allowing tenants to choose their own machine provider or granting guest ale provision. Is this correct Humphrey?”
“Err…yes Prime Minister.”
“And now, despite all this, you’re telling me the BBPA want us to believe self-regulation is actually working. Is this correct Humphrey?”
“Err…yes Prime Minister.”
“Humphrey, I think the time has come for action.”
“Err…action Prime Minister.”
“Yes action Humphrey. Government has dilly dallied, shilly shallied and generally buggared about for far too long.”
“Err…yes Prime Minister.”
“We must remember that small businesses provide choice: choice of product for the consumer; choice of job for the worker. Competition ensures value for money, monopolies do not.
Again, it is the unrestricted atmosphere of independence which make possible and encourages innovation and inventiveness. Only a healthy private business sector can stimulate the pursuit of new ideas, the sowing of seeds which may grow into tomorrow's giants. But the young plants need nurturing!
Central to our Conservative philosophy is the belief that Britain will only recover by unleashing the natural talents of our people, by encouraging enterprise and by rewarding those whose energy and hard work create the prosperity of our society.
Do those words sound familiar Humphrey?”
“Err…yes Prime Minister.”
“They should do. It’s an excerpt from one of Margaret Thatcher’s speeches. To my mind it encapsulates the basic values that made our party respected by those who only seek the opportunity to make a better life, both for themselves and their families.
We need to get to grips with this debacle; show the people of this great country of ours that we are no longer willing to allow vested interest and corporate greed to ride roughshod over people’s livelihoods or the well being of local communities.
Talking about Big Society is one thing; bringing it to fruition quite another.
Bring forward our meeting with Greg and Toby. We need to move on this. The time has finally come to call last orders at the Last Chance Saloon”
“Err…yes Prime Minister.”