Have you ever had a conversation with someone and at the end of it wondered what the hell they were on about? The reason I ask is because a number of you have written in, suggesting you no longer understand anything your BDMs say. It’s as if they’re talking a different language.
Requests for clarification are invariably met with the following response: ‘Err … yes well….err… yes well……I’ll need to get back to you on that.’ Needless to say, nothing more is ever heard about it.
Now if you’re one of those finding it increasingly difficult to decipher what it is their pillar of support is trying to say, then don’t despair, help is at hand.
‘Licensees Supporting Licensees’ has come up with a dictionary of translations, allowing beleaguered publicans to decipher this confusing dialect.
The list is by no means definitive; ‘BDM speak’ is, after all, a constantly evolving language. With that in mind, if you have any gems of your own, please do share them with us.
Secure agreement
What they say: ‘We’re prepared to offer you a secure agreement.’
What they mean: ‘Please sign a lease. That way you can’t run away once you’ve rumbled us.’
Refurbishment opportunity
What they say: ‘This outlet comes with a fantastic refurbishment opportunity.’
What they mean: ‘We want to modernise our building using your money rather than ours.’
Recovery Plan
What they say: ‘We’re prepared to put a recovery plan in place so that you can continue trading.’
What they mean: ‘We don’t want to switch off the life support machine just yet, there are a few drops of blood that still need to be extracted.’
FMT
What they say: ‘We’re disappointed you’re not trading at the levels we anticipated.’
What they mean: ‘It seems you are unable to walk on water, raise the dead or feed 5,000 people with a couple of fish and a loaf of bread.’
RPI
What they say: ‘RPI can go down as well as up.’
What they mean: ‘It always goes up. Yippee!!!!!’
The market
What they say: ‘We don’t think the market has deteriorated.’
What they mean: ‘We’re well aware that your volumes are going through the floor but we’re skint, so we’re going to raise your rent anyway.’
SCORFA
What they say: ‘Our seemingly high prices are offset by the fantastic support we offer our tenants.’
What they mean: ‘If they ask me what those benefits are, or what they’re worth in monetary terms I’m completely and utterly f***ed!’
Reasonably efficient operator
What they say: ‘I’m afraid we can’t help as you don’t have REO status.’
What they mean: ‘I haven’t got a clue what constitutes a REO. Thankfully, nor does anyone else.’
Dilaps
What they say: ‘A dilaps survey will be arranged.’
What they mean: ‘A deposit-witholding-justification document will be produced. ’
Support
What they say: ‘We really can’t do anything to help.’
What they mean: ‘We don’t need you anymore. We’ve already trousered your deposit and f@f.’
Investment
What they say: ‘That doesn't meet our investment criteria.’
What they mean: ‘We can't work out how to do it without getting our investment back and taking even more money from you.’
Flexible Agreements
What they say: ‘Our agreements give you all the flexibility you need to run your business.’
What they mean: ‘Our agreements ensure the absolute minimum amount of flexibility.’
Choice
What they say: ‘We have a vast range of agreements for our partners to choose from.’
What they mean: ‘It really doesn’t matter which agreement you opt for, we’ll still extract the same amount of money.’
Opportunity
What they say: ‘This outlet represents a fantastic opportunity for the right operator.’
What they mean: ‘The Emperor is wearing a beautiful suit of clothes.’
The market
What they say: ‘We’ve thoroughly researched the local market.’
What they mean: ‘We've looked in the BBPA handbook for skewed averages.’
Food
What they say: ‘Have you thought about selling food?’
What they mean: ‘We can install a new kitchen, hike the rent and more importantly, inflate my bonus.’
Barrelage
What they say: ‘If you can exceed specified targets, you’ll qualify for substantial discounts.’
What they mean: ‘We want you to triple current barrelage.’
Partnership
What they say: ‘You’re just the sort of person we’re looking for.’
What they mean: ‘You haven’t got a clue, have you?’
Profit margin
What they say: ‘We envisage a gross profit margin of around 60%.’
What they mean: ‘How did I manage to say that without pissing myself laughing?’
Costs
What they say: ‘We envisage costs running at around 34%.’
What they mean: ‘Nearer 45%, assuming of course both you and your wife put in a 90 hour week.’
Partnership
What they say: ‘We’re looking for someone to drive the business forward.’
What they mean: ‘We’re looking for a caretaker until we can flog the pub.’
Profit and loss
What they say: ‘As you can see, the breakdown shows a healthy divisible balance.’
What they mean: ‘I’ve come up with some highly inflated figures which show a whopping great profit for us and buggar all for you.’
Time
What they say: ‘I’m not sure how much more time we can give you…...’
What they mean: ‘The bailiffs are on their way.’
Targets
What they say: ‘We’ve got a great deal on at the moment. Buy 50 cases of lager and get a POS kit absolutely free!’
What they mean: ‘I need to hit my targets or the RM will kick my ass!’
Tea
What they say: ‘Any chance of a cup of tea?’
What they mean: ‘You go upstairs and put the kettle on; I’ll check the fridges to see if you’ve been buying out.’
Coffee
What they say: ‘Have you thought about selling coffee?’
What they mean: ‘I can’t think of anything useful to say.’
Income streams
What they say: ‘Have you considered utilising additional income streams?’
What they mean: ‘I still can’t think of anything useful to say.’
The bathroom
What they say: ‘Err…..I need to use the bathroom.’
What they mean: ‘I think I’ve been rumbled.’