An overheard conversation in a pub

It turned out they were a couple of pubco BDMs; one an old hand, the other newly appointed, working his first full week of employment in the field.

What follows is a reasonably accurate transcript of their conversation. It offers a fascinating insight into the mindset of a BDM.

“So, how do you think your first couple of days on the job went?”

“Well frankly I’m a bit confused.”

“In what way?”

“Well yesterday we informed a tenant close to going under that we intend to increase her rent; tomorrow we’re going to evict somebody for falling behind with his rent.”

“Yes. And?”

“Well, I know I’m new to the job but I was under the impression that my primary responsibility was to try and support our tenants. Is this your idea of support?”

“Look, disregard everything you read on the website and the glossy brochures; it’s nothing more than corporate bollocks. Let me explain how things work.

The fact of the matter is that you’re here to make money for your employer.”

“OK.”

“Now then, who pays your salary?”

“The pubco.”

“Who funds your bonuses and share options?”

“The pubco."

“You’re wrong on both counts. The fact of the matter is that your employer doesn’t pay you anything.”

“How do you work that out?”

“You’re classed as a countervailing benefit.”

“I’m sorry?”

“You see, the pubcos came up with a great idea. Employ people to generate as much income for them as possible and ask tenants to pick up the tab.”

“I don’t follow.”

“The tenant pays your wage. Your basic salary is rentalised as a countervailing benefit!”

“Now, if we want all the extra perks and bonuses that go with the job then we’ve got to find additional ways to generate revenue.

Invariably we do. That way all costs associated with your employment are picked up by the tenants. You don’t actually cost your pubco a penny! You’ve got to hand it to them; it’s a brilliant concept.”

“Err…yes.”

“Now there are two primary ways in which you can substantially increase your bonus. Help the tenant generate additional footfall; fat chance of that given the current market! Alternatively, focus on squeezing as much out of your portfolio of pubs as humanly possible.”

“But these tenants, aren’t they our err…..retail partners?”

“Look, how do you possibly think we can serve the interests of both our employer and the tenants? There’s a massive conflict of interest here. The pubco insists we keep taking more and more when there’s less and less to go round.

"Inevitably someone is going to lose out. Our job is to make sure it isn’t us or our employer.”

“But what about the tenant we’re going to kick out tomorrow? Doesn’t he have a family?”

“Not our problem. You can’t afford to invest emotionally in this. He’s due to leave tomorrow. We’ll retain the deposit, his f and f and probably have to inflate the dilaps bill. If need be, we’ll take the matter further should we need to recover additional costs.”

Don’t look so shocked. I’m merely doing what I’m employed to do; generate revenue for the pubco.”

“So what you’re saying is that my basic salary is paid for by the tenant. But if I want additional perks and bonuses then I have to squeeze more money out of them; even if it means them going under. Isn’t it a case of killing the goose that lays the golden egg?”

“There are plenty of geese out there. Look, let me give you some advice. You’ll be asked to do things which, on the face of it, appear somewhat unpalatable.

"You will, on occasion, be required to make decisions that will result in families being literally kicked out onto the streets.

"You’ll see the lives of good, honest, decent hard working people destroyed; dreams and aspirations trodden on through a combination of naivety, poor judgment and a lack of business acumen. Are you ready for that?”

“In all honesty, I don’t really know.”

“Let me ask you this. Are we to blame if people sign up to agreements that are clearly unsustainable from the outset?

"Is it our fault that people were wearing rose tinted spectacles when lured in by one of the supposed fantastic opportunities on our website? You have to put all human emotion to one side and focus on doing your job.

"Don’t forget, beer volumes are going through the floor. Added to that, we’ve got the medical lobby on our back as well as a government who, when they’re not taxing the s*** out of us, liken our establishments to crack houses.

"Just to make matters worse; our company’s got debts that make the Greek deficit look like small change.

"And let’s be brutally honest about it. Things aren’t going to get better any time soon. In fact it’s almost inevitable the downward spiral will gather momentum. It’s a case of dog eat dog.

"The question is have you got the stomach for this? If not, I suggest you get out now, while you still can.”

“It’s probably a bit late for that. I’ve just bought a new BMW and booked a family trip to Florida in the summer.”

The senior BDM picked up the mobile phone and handed it his colleague.

“Then make the call to the bailiffs. Tell them we’re going in tomorrow evening at 5:30.”