In the words of Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer: “You just wouldn’t let it lie.”
Passions are running higher than ever in the debate. The latest episode in the saga saw MPs vote to approve a plan that demands the Government sets up an independent body to monitor the progress of ‘toughened’ self-regulation.
Even this led to an immediate argument about whether the result of the vote compels the Government to act, or whether it merely puts pressure on ministers to do so.
Every outcome so far seems to have posed more questions than answers, made people even angrier and deepened inter-industry divisions.
Oh, to be a freeholder — rising above it all!
In the red corner we have the Independent Pub Confederation, the Guild of Master Victuallers, the Federation of Small Businesses, the Forum of Private Business, the Association of Licensed Multiple Retailers, the Campaign for Real Ale, Fair Pint, Justice for Licensees, Licensees Unite and the All-Party Parliamentary Save the Pub Group, as well as the Labour Party, which has jumped on the bandwagon to call for statutory legislation.
And in the blue corner we have the Government (represented by Ed Davey, minister for employment relations, consumer & postal affairs), the British Beer & Pub Association and the major pubcos.
This is an admittedly gross over-simplification of the subtly different positions of each of these organisations, but it serves to highlight the futile reality of an industry occupied by infighting when it should be focused on common enemies.
We have a media that portrays pubs as the enemies of the state — causing disorder, sickness and violence — when in reality pubs provide a safe, regulated environment where people can enjoy alcohol responsibly in the heart of their communities.
Pubs raise more than £100m a year for charities — more than either Sport Relief or Comic Relief can manage (themselves with pub support).
We have a duty regime that has forced (and will continue to force) rises in the price of beer way beyond the rate of inflation.
Students of economics will understand how the price elasticity of demand dictates that price increases inevitably have a negative impact on consumption levels.
On-trade beer sales are down by around 40% in 10 years, thanks in part to punitive taxation, and we’re arguing over the detail of contractual relationships.
No-one can claim that there haven’t been abuses of those relationships; nor that the current regime is perfect; nor even that self-regulation is the answer.
And maybe it should be independently reviewed after a while to make sure it’s working properly.
But there are bigger fish to fry.
While the Government can only hear our high-pitched, self-obsessed infighting above our rational arguments about fair tax and our potential for creating jobs and contributing to the big society (high on the current administration’s list of priorities), we will all lose.