I don't know about you, but I'm finding that with the onset of age, certain things are beginning to change; the frequency of nocturnal visits to the bathroom being one. A spate of sleepless nights prompted me to seek a consultation with my GP.
Following a brief and somewhat intrusive inspection I was informed that my prostate was fine. In fact, given its size, the surgeon suggested I consider entering it in the upcoming annual pumpkin competition, a prize it seemed was all but guaranteed. "Nothing to worry about" he said noting my evident concern, "we'll send you down to the hospital, just to be on the safe side."
A week later I popped along for my appointment and was given some fluid (contrast) to consume. I was then asked to lie on the bed as the CT machine above me hummed into life. As I lay there, the effects of the medication together with a warm blanket and comfortable mattress induced an exceedingly blissful state; within minutes my mind slowly drifted away...
... I found myself engaged in conversation with a technician in the bar. He was busily installing Stella Black whilst simultaneously instructing me on the art of the 'reverential pouring ritual'. For some bizarre reason I was required to stand on my head prior to pouring, a task I appeared to master with relative ease...
…my mind turned to the meeting I'd had with Mr. Kerr, my BDM. We'd met the previous week and it hadn't gone well, in fact it had been quite confrontational...
He was new, "My name's Juan" he said. Formalities over, we got down to business.
"So Mr Sayles, you think our assessment of FMT is wholly unrealistic."
"Absolutely Juan; volumes are down 35% from pre 2007 levels, margins have been hammered, the rent is completely out of sync with turnover."
"I couldn't agree more Mr. Sayles."
"I'm sorry" I replied…
"Your current rental premium is wholly unrealistic…"
"Err…OK."
"I've calculated that your rent needs to come down by about 30% for your business to be viable."
"OK"… I couldn't believe what I was hearing...
"Look Bob…err.. can I call you Bob?"
"By all means Juan."
"I have to be brutally honest with you here Bob. We've been taking the piss for far too long, we really have."
"Well I'd have to agree with you there Juan" I replied supportively…
"Basically our 'one fits all' business model is a dinosaur, the product of a bygone era. We always knew it had major deficiencies; in the past they were less apparent because the volume was there, now that's gone we're basically buggered…we need to offer new deals which reflect changing demographics."
By now I was warming to my new BDM.
"Cup of tea Juan?"
"That would be lovely...thank you."
"Hob nob?"
"Please."
As I put the kettle on and rummaged in the cupboard for the biscuits Juan continued.
"Trading volumes have been dropping for years yet we still keep demanding our pound of flesh. We need to start giving a lot more and taking a lot less! What do you think Bob?"
"Absolutely Juan."
"And let's be honest, it's not going to get any better is it?"
"Worse if anything" I ventured.
In the distance I heard a faint voice …"Mr. Sayles…Mr. Sayles…" ….I paid it little heed…
"And as for margins"….continued Juan….."Oh don't get me started on margins."
"No..Juan" I replied…."please, I'd welcome your thoughts."
"Well let's be honest, the price we're charging tenants for their beer is nothing short of scandalous, isn't it? We should be ashamed of ourselves, we really should."
"I can't argue with you there" I replied. "So what are you going to do about it?"
"We're going to give tenants the chance to make money again. You are going to see big changes Bob, we're going to start taking a lot less and giving a great deal more."
"Sounds great" I replied. "Another hob nob?"
"Thanks. You see a lot of our tenants put in over eighty hours a week. They need to be rewarded for that endeavour."
"Indeed they do. So what do you suggest?"
"I'm going to give you a new deal, right here right now."
Again the distant voice..this time more insistent … "Mr Sayles...Mr Sayles…"
"That would be wonderful Juan. What do you have in mind?"
Well, we'll set a new rental premium based on current turnover, say 10% and we'll remove the RPI clause. We'll also throw in a guest ale provision; after all we'll be obliged to offer it to this time next year anyway so think of it as an early Christmas present."
"What about the beer price?" I enquired cautiously.
"Not a problem Bob, I've already penciled an FOT option into your contract."
For once I was lost for words.
"I've got the papers here. All I need you to do is sign right here. Do you have a pen?"
I dashed upstairs in search of a pen. I was in a daze. Finally it seemed, the pressure had paid off, the pubcos had seen sense; we had a future in this business after all…
…I grabbed a pen and sprinted downstairs to get pen to paper before Juan changed his mind …
…the voice returned…"Mr Sayles"..."Mr Sayles"…not now I said to myself, I'm getting a new deal here!!!!…
"Here's the pen Juan" I said breathlessly...
"OK. Sign here Bob."... again the distant voice…"Mr Sayles"...I took the pen from Juan, finally the deal of my dreams…
the voice again...this time more insistent ..."Mr Sayles…Mr Sayles…Mr. SAYLES!!! The doctor has just asked us to insert contrast into your rectum!!!!"
It took a few seconds for the full implication of what had just been said to fully register. Needless to say when it did, all thoughts of 'a new deal' instantly evaporated.
I sat bolt upright on the bed and was confronted by a nurse holding a fearsome looking implement, it was without doubt the biggest syringe I'd ever seen; in truth it wouldn't have looked out of place in the bag of a vet on his way to the local zoo.
The lady in question also had a glimmer in her eye which I found more than a little disconcerting.
Words cannot begin to describe my emotions at this point. Not only had my new deal disappeared but I was about to be tortured by a syringe wielding woman, one who appeared to be taking a great deal of pleasure from my evident discomfort.
"Breathe in Mr Sayles" she instructed from behind. I lay there as the inevitable investigatory work was conducted and reflected on what might have been. In such cases we are always advised to focus on what we have rather than what we don't have, aren't we?
In my case that appeared to amount to little more than a prostate the size of a well ripened water melon!
Oh well, never mind. A new deal and a BDM who goes by the name of Juan Kerr; it was all just a bit too much to ask for…wasn't it?