Don't ever ask a civil servant to arrange a piece of music! Chances are that you won't be able to play it.
That was my first reaction to the December announcement of a consultation on exempting small-scale live music events from the rigours of the Licensing Act 2003.
Bowing to considerable pressure from the musicians — and a simultaneous private members' bill in the Lords — the Government has concocted a form of exemption.
It will mainly benefit unlicensed premises, but is of little use to those pubs and clubs that already have a live music provision on their premises licences or certificates. In fact, it might even put them under more scrutiny than at present.
The main problem is that the Department for Culture Media & Sport, which is in the business of promoting all kinds of cultural activities including music, has to look over its shoulder at the Big Brother of the strong local government lobby. As a result, any gift of relaxation has to be ringed round with precautions — the debacle over minor variations is a case in point.
This was why the infamous section 177 of the Licensing Act concerning the "small premises" exemption, which had to be rushed through in the final stages of the Bill, is such a dog's breakfast and is considered too complicated even by licensing experts. This already gives an exemption of sorts, but it only applies to conditions and does not remove the requirement to get a licence in the first place.
The real winners in this latest proposal are not pubs and clubs, but currently unlicensed venues such as village halls, meeting rooms and private houses, which might put on small scale regulated entertainment such as live music.
Currently, truly private events not for profit are excluded anyway. But at present if they want to make a charge and invite the public, then such places need a temporary event notice (TEN) or a full premises licence.
TENs are not prohibitively expensive but you are limited to 12 occasions a year. If you want more live music events, you have to apply for a licence, and all readers know how much that can cost.
But what's in it for the trade? Well. It would appear that pubs that currently have no live music provision on their licence would be entitled to stage live music events for up to 100 people under the exemption without formal notification.
However, if local people got wind of this, the proposal is that they could apply to the licensing authority to exclude the exemption, which will take immediate effect, even if the pub decides to appeal.
This right to protest also applies to the responsible authorities, including the police and environmental health. They must, however, produce evidence that the planned events (or those which have already been held) will impact adversely on the licensing objectives, principally public nuisance.
For pubs with existing live music provision, including both the provision of music and of facilities for live music, there may well be conditions attached to the premises licence, limiting events or imposing restrictions.
Such restrictions should not apply to the new exempt live music events, but the licensee will have to apply for the conditions to be removed under the minor variations procedure, which will once again trigger a neighbour reaction when they see the notices. The licensing authority will then have to decide whether to keep the restrictions in place. Guess what they will do?
So what appears at first sight to be a bonus for small-scale live music has all the usual problems of new licensing regulation.
It's true — there's no such thing as a free gig! You have to look for the catch!