Diamonds, opening a can of corned beef with that special 'key', finding your wife in bed with your best friend… there are only a few things harder than trying to run a successful pub in the current, cut-throat climate.
As people stay at home, smoking, drinking cheap booze, gawping at HD TV and even Wii-ing in their living room, 52 pubs are closing every week with tumbleweed in their tills, the media on their back and more red tape than a Valentine's Day parade wrapped around their jugular.
But, thankfully, amid these tumultuous trading times, spiritual guidance is at hand. Bacardi Brown-Forman (BBF), purveyor of some of the biggest brand names dwelling on the back-bar, has embarked on an on-trade training initiative that doesn't just raise spirits in pubs and bars, but also offers valuable business building advice for all levels of the trade completely free of charge.
BBF is running the Mix Matters Training Team Roadshow, a dozen two-day, training courses for the freetrade - tailored for both trendy members' clubs and mainstream pubs.
Mixed drinks focus
It is not all complex cocktails and trilby hats worn at jaunty angles. Alex Turner, head of product training and mixology for BBF, is acutely aware that a wallet-worrying Vesper Martini, which takes 10 minutes to make, is not the ideal medication for pubs' current malaise.
"The focus is very much on long mixed drinks," Turner says. "As a business, we're talking more and more about long drinks. The word 'cocktail' scares people and it suggests that you need specialist training and equipment. If you can make a gin and tonic, then there are 50 drinks you can make in a similar way."
Given spirits' enormous profit potential and growing popularity among drinkers, Turner remains perplexed that the category still tends to suffer secondary billing behind beer and wine. He says: "Traditionally, spirits have been a bit of a blind spot for pubs, but what's happening in top-end bars means that mainstream venues need to raise the game in terms of long drinks.
"Ten years ago, a pub would survive on a hardcore set of regulars and a reputation as a place that serves decent beer. But that isn't the case any more. People's needs have changed, they're more demanding and they're only willing to pay more for a whisky and Coke in a pub if it's going to be served correctly."
Do the simple things well
Turner argues that meeting, or exceeding, these expectations doesn't require a Masters in Mixology.
"It's about doing the simple things consistently well," he says. "Make sure the glass is clean, cold and the right shape. Fill it with the right amount of ice and a fresh piece of fruit. You can't afford to serve sloppy long drinks."
Earlier this year, BBF unveiled www.pourfection.com, a business-building tool featuring more than 600 cocktails and mixed drinks, a profit calculator, information on various spirit categories and a function for pubs and bars to design bespoke menus. It provides the springboard for much of the training.
With the help of the online profit calculator, which indexes everything from limes and sugar to luxury rums, the BBF training offers insight into the eyebrow-raising realm of profitability. "Spirits, long drinks and cocktails are more profit making than wine," argues Turner. "Wine and beer can go off, they have more wastage issues. Spirits are a lot easier to control in terms of gross profit (GP). You can be very tight with the numbers."
GP checkout
While margins differ from venue to venue and the type of drink served, BBF suggests outlets aim for a GP of around 75 per cent on a mixed drink. "That's very favourable when compared to wine and beer," Turner says.
Once margins have been established, the course moves onto marketing, delving into the purchasing mindset of drinkers. "If someone asks which beers or cocktails a bar serves and the bartender reels off six names, the customer will almost always choose the first or the last one on the list," says Turner, like the drinks industry's answer to Derren Brown. "Makes sense, then, to ensure the first and last are the most profitable."
Given that a "reasonably high proportion" of people in a pub will never go to the actual bar, menus are an increasingly vital marketing tool and one that requires a similar appraisal of the consumer's mindset.
The first drink on the list should be the strongest seller on the menu, it should be the most profitable, a crowd pleaser and relatively quick and easy to make. The fourth drink, meanwhile, should be the showboat drink, the one that makes the most money - an affordable luxury that's highlighted and made to stand out from the crowd.
"When marketing mixed drinks, it's important to know how the consumer thinks and how they make a decision," says Turner. "It's not as simple as just writing them down at random and hoping they sell."
Bacardi Brown-Forman's checklist for making and selling mixed drinks
• Use a clean, cold glass of the right shape. Fill it with the right amount of ice and add a fresh piece of fruit
• Look up www.pourfection.com for mixed drink recipes, information on spirit categories, a function that enables pubs to design bespoke menus, and a profit calculator. Aim for 75 per cent GPs
• If you speak to customers to recommend a list of drinks, they are statistically more likely to choose the first or last. So make sure you mention your most profitable drinks first or last
• Use drinks menus. To capitalise on how consumers typically read menus, the first drink on the list should be the strongest seller, and relatively quick and easy to make. The fourth drink should be a luxury drink that makes you the most money
Applying the thinking of up-market bars to pubs
One of the first operators to take up BBF's initiative has been the Match Group, owned by Jonathan Downey (pictured), whose cocktail bars including London's Milk & Honey and East Rooms are world renowned for seriously decent, discerning drinking. They're top-end venues but, as Downey argues, the principles of good business practice remain the same.
"The recession has polarised the customer. If a venue is busy, everyone goes there. If it's empty, it'll stay empty," he says.
"The problem with the bar business is that so many people just stumble along, making it up as they go along and learning from their own mistakes rather than learning from others. It'd be easy to dismiss Bacardi's training as a brand propaganda exercise but it's not, it's a rare opportunity to take advantage of an invaluable resource and a lot of investment and expertise."
"If pubs are going to thrive, they need to get a gin and tonic right. I've lost count of the times I've been asked whether I want ice and a slice with my G&T. You may as well ask me whether I want gin and tonic with my gin and tonic."