The alternative annual rewind
A bar full of beds, toilet shenanigans and a drop of Blond Bitch - cheers to another crazy year for pubs
January
Thefts of beer glasses and ashtrays may be commonplace in most pubs, but staff at the Royal Oak, Southampton, were gobsmacked when a customer walked off with a urinal from the gents' toilets.
Licensee Alan Dreja could scarcely believe his eyes when a closing-time check of the
toilets revealed a large gap in the back wall where the porcelain fitting had been affixed only hours previously.
Police admitted the theft was a "first" and that they literally had "nothing to go on".
The missing urinal was never recovered, forcing Dreja to fork out £200 to replace it.
February
Drinker Jeff Donovan found himself banned from the Gordon Arms, Southampton, for a highly-unusual misdemeanour - constantly playing Mariah Carey hits on the jukebox.
Donovan incurred the displeasure of licensee Roy Dann, who was forced to listen to the
singer's songs up to 20 times in one session.
Dann said he gave the customer plenty of warnings, but called time on the jukebox capers after Donovan simply laughed in his face.
"The regulars used to whinge at him to stop, but he would not listen and did not put on any other songs," the fed-up host explained.
March
Forget the debate around size-zero models, whispers in the front rows of the catwalk aisles have all been about Sarah Smart - the glamorous star of Guy Simmonds' property and training adverts.
For a decade, the 1997 Miss UK runner-up has been seen tapping a spile in style in her stilettos, bringing a woman's touch to a dingy pub cellar.
This year her legions of fans were delighted to see the brunette in a new pose - pulling a pint. But it was her unaged looked that sent shock-waves through the industry - how could she still look the same 10 years down the line? We put it down to a healthy diet of good beer.
April
Pub customer Kenny Morgan went to extraordinary lengths to get round the Welsh smoking ban as it was introduced at the beginning of the month.
Morgan, from Briton Ferry, near Neath, built a "pub extension" to his house, complete with bar, draught beer and darts board.
The pub does not admit
members of the public - and the only customers are Morgan's friends, who drink free of charge.
Morgan says he took the drastic step because he felt the ban was "over-the-top".
l Meanwhile stamina was identified as the single most important asset required of a licensee wanting to run a successful pub. A survey of 100 Admiral Taverns hosts revealed high energy levels were a key requirement of the host's daily lot.
Sociability, tact and diplomacy were also listed as key requirements, ahead of business skills and entrepreneurial flair.
May
Host Pete Dowcett of the Rose Inn, Ashford, Kent, was preparing for the English smoking ban in a novel way.
Dowcett, along with three other licensees in the town, decided to burn the contents of four ashtrays on the eve of the ban.
The "ashes" were to be interred in a cricket- style urn to be used as the prize in a series of inter-pub competitions in the town.
June
Kill-joy police poured cold water over plans for an all-night drinking session at a south Wales club to celebrate the birthday of one of its members.
Officers said they feared the event would lead to rowdyism and disorder and Pembroke Licensing Committee agreed when they refused a drinks extension application.
The fact that all the would-be party-goers were of pensionable age did not convince the authorities, apparently, that the event would be trouble-free.
l Lancashire brewer Moorhouse's was forced to re-name one of its bottled beers to ensure its sales in the American export market.
The company's famous Blond Witch brand became Blond Bitch to suit a more racy US drinking public.
The traditional black-coated witch emblem was also changed into a blonde peasant girl to provide the Americans with a "humorous slant" according to managing director David Grant.
July
Pub operator Punch Taverns launched a new guide to help its licensees attract more
women into their pubs.
Themed events, promotional evenings and links with local beauty salons were just three of the tips recommended for hosts to try out.
Better toilet facilities and a preferred list of taxi operators were also included in the guide.
"Women love to have a good night out with their friends just as much as men do,"
said a Punch spokesman. Really?
l A licensee planned to install beds in her pub and call it a hotel room in an attempt to dodge the forthcoming smoking ban.
Host Dawn Clarke said she would invite smokers into the rooms at the Old Ship,
Lowdham, Nottinghamshire, where they could puff away in freedom.
But the local council remained confident that it would have no difficulty convincing a court about what constituted a hotel room and what was a pub.
August
The English smoking ban led to a surge in
mobile phone texting over the first fortnight, operator Orange revealed.
Orange said the increase was due to smokers "keeping busy" while standing outside pubs enjoying a cigarette.
Others used their phones as a distraction while trying to kick the habit, said the company, which revealed a 7.5 million increase in text messages over the period.
September
A scheme hatched by a Nottinghamshire MP to issue "drinking licences" for young adults to buy alcohol was abandoned after the politician agreed the plan was "too bureaucratic".
Nick Palmer, Labour member for Broxtowe, wanted the new-style licences to be issued to reduce alcohol-related disorder and binge drinking.
Palmer conceded that other methods, such as controlling consumption of alcohol in public places, might be more effective.
October
A Lancashire pub company was forced to shelve a "Miss Wet T-Shirt" competition on health and safety grounds.
The Yesteryear Pub Company, based in Wigan, discovered water-based fun games could lead to legal claims on the grounds of slippery floors or contestants catching colds.
"A key condition of staging a wet T-shirt
competition is that people do not get wet, which pretty well kills off the whole thing," company boss Tony Callaghan reflected sadly.
l The disastrous summer floods prompted Oxford brewer Hook Norton to produce a
memorial ale dedicated to those who fought the monsoons.
The Banbury-based company, whose own premises suffered in the intense rainfall, launched its Inspired bottled ale to toast the efforts of those people across the county who helped the salvage operation.
Among those who found themselves in the thick of the action were two retained fire-fighters who worked at the brewery.
November
More pubs turned to striptease nights to find badly-needed extra income as the smoking ban started to bite.
Stripper and entertainment agencies reported a surge of enquiries from pubs and other leisure venues.
One outlet, the Crown, at Knaphill, Surrey, said business brought in by the sessions had balanced losses as a result of the ban.
December
Children as young as five were to have lessons in responsible drinking, according to the
Department of Health.
New guidance for schools from the National Institute for Health & Clinical Excellence spelled out what primary and secondary pupils should be taught.
The thrust of the initiative was designed to foster a more sensible attitude to alcohol.
Snifter's top Jokers
Pub regulars were certain their local licensee was the area's strongest man and offered a standing £1,000 bet. The licensee would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass. Anyone who could squeeze out one more drop would win. One day, a scrawny little customer wearing thick glasses said in a squeaky voice: "Let me try". The licensee took one look, grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. He handed the wrinkled remains to the little man. The cheering crowd fell silent as the man clenched his fist and six drops fell into th
