25 Ways To Improve The Pub Industry
Service standards
One of the pub trade's weakest points but also the easiest to solve. You don't have to talk to customers at length, but a pleasant demeanour is crucial. There is no excuse for being rude or indifferent to a customer - they effectively pay your wages, after all - and most people serving behind a bar recognise this. Why not have an informal set of guidelines, a charter if you like, that assures customers of a warm welcome. Not every pub would need it, but backed up by the real thing at the 'coalface', it could help bring back custom again and again.
Drink promotions
Ban them. No quibbling, just get rid.
Snacks
Do away with expensive 'gastrochips' and bring in strict legislation to ensure all pubs, when selling crisps, retail normal, proper crisps. For 40p a pack, like you get in the newsagents. And while they're at it they should bring back Sausage & Tomato flavour.
English
Ensure all bar workers can speak 100 words of English at the very least - de rigueur examples being "What", "Can", "I", "Get" and "You" - and are trained in knowing how to pour and serve a pint the way customers expect a pint to be poured and served.
The media
Thousands of pubs do great things for their local communities. Sadly, popular newspapers and television news crews are only interested in the bad stuff that takes place in some pubs, like violence - which, let's face it, happens from time to time. Encourage your local rag to send someone down to see the positive stuff you do and who you do it for. The irony is that journalists are among the biggest drinkers of the lot, even on the Daily Mail…
Lobbying
Contentious stuff, but can't there be one, effective and powerful representative body for the pub trade, led by a professional, experienced lobbyist? Yes, we know there are different interests within the sector, but like other industries' issues these can surely be settled at a certain level so the sector can present the ultimate united front?
CAMRA
The boys and girls in St Albans do a terrific job, promoting proper beer. But getting sidetracked by stuff like over-sized glasses is a waste of their time (see '18, Weights & Measures'). Punters are savvy enough to know when there's room in the glass for an extra squirt from a hand pump. Stick to defending the growing number of beer producers in the UK and stop worrying about stuff like the depth of head on a pint.
Glassware
Talking of what beer gets served in, if you sell, say, Guinness, try to serve it in a Guinness glass. Not a Magners glass. Or a Stella glass. If you've run out of branded glasses, serve stuff up in the nice plain ones. But better still, have a decent stock of the branded variety.
Juicing machines
Never ever put these contraptions on the front bar. They're noisy, they vibrate all over the place and they take up acres of room. If customers want 'theatre' they'll go and see Hamlet.
TV
If you have a TV switched on in your pub have the sound turned up, so that if people are going to watch it at least they can hear it. We're not talking sporting events here; some pubs we've been into have a music TV channel on but with the sound turned down. Apart from it being really annoying, what's the bloody point?
National identity cards
Civil liberties… my arse. With identity cards, in one go, you could kill the underage sales issue dead. Everyone's got a card, everyone's got to carry it… and if you look like you are younger than 21 you've got to produce it. Simple as that.
Table service
Excellent when it is done properly, but table service can be a hit or miss affair. Being told to sit down and wait for someone to come over who never appears is frustrating. Get it right, or don't do it all. Anyway, most people like going to the bar in a pub. It's part of the fun.
Smoking
If the government feels so strongly about smoking, the argument goes, why not ban it altogether? No more problems, no more memories of the how pubs used to be when the smoke lingered to put off the smokers. Lovely.
Dogs
Ban dogs from pubs. Apart from guide dogs. Yes, pubs will appear to be prejudiced against dog owners, but so what? People don't need an excuse to go to the pub, as in "I'm just taking the dog for a walk, dear". And let's face it, imposing a canine on the rest of us is just plain unfair, snuffling around at one's feet as they do. Plus they smell. The dogs that is, not the owners.
The beer tie
We know why it exists, but in any other industry it would be deemed anti-competitive. Individual pubs know what sells, and if the beer, lager, or whatever is good enough and popular enough it will sell, boosting pubco revenues. Many believe the current rent/tie model is unsustainable in the long term, so an alternative should be worked out between landlord and licensee that benefits both sides. Sadly we can't see the Big Boys rushing to the negotiating table on this one.
Condiments
Sachets of tomato sauce, brown sauce, mustard, mayonnaise, tartar sauce and especially bloody malt vinegar should be banned. By law. It's cheaper anyway to buy the stuff in bulk and dish it out in small ramekin-type things or bottles. And it looks more professional. Same goes for those minute packets of salt and pepper.
Menus
Keep the language simple. If you use words like 'veloute' or 'jus' instead of 'white sauce' and 'gravy' you either have ideas above your station or you should be running a restaurant. Liberally sprinkling your menu - the selling point of your meals after all - with posh culinary phrases can be as alienating and confusing to customers as it is linguistically unnecessary.
Politicians
Whether local or from Westminster, politicians should, as part of their electoral obligations, be required to visit pubs. Regularly. Even if they don't drink. Some MPs and councillors already visit pubs in their constituencies, but a sizeable number wouldn't know the inside of their local watering hole from a hole in the ground. They create the laws and regulations that govern the pub trade; let 'em see the effect they're having…
Smiling
Customers can be demanding. But however miserable they are, they don't want to be served by someone more miserable than them. And they will forgive a multitude of sins if those sins are accompanied by a smile…
Weights and measures
Why can't pubs serve drinks in the glass size of their choice? We say relax the weights and measures rules. A good licensee is never going to rip off a customer, and a bad one will get found out. If the demand is there, pubs should be able to serve beer, lager, wine and spirits in whatever size receptacle they deem fit for the purpose.
Education, education, education
Educate the kids about the good and bad sides of alcohol at school… and get parents to introduce their children slowly and responsibly to alcohol in the home, rather than allowing them out on the streets with a PET of white cider.
ADZs
Why tar all pubs with the same brush? Identify the bad apples and make them pay, rather than everyone in the vicinity…
Furniture
There's nothing worse in a pub than a wobbly table. Well there is, like a dirty toilet or an unhygienic kitchen. Whatever, try to ensure you have a stable table. See, it even rhymes. And do away with bar stools. You might encounter some resistance from die-hard fans, but shift 'em all the same. They're stopping your customer
