It's the most hectic part of your busiest evening when you spot a copper standing at the end of the bar, wearing a wry smile on his otherwise unemotional face.
Cautiously you approach him: "Can I help you officer?"
"You're nicked squire," he replies. "At approximately 21.58 this evening you did willingly purvey a packet of eighteen Marlborough Light cigarettes to a minor."
At that he nods towards your cigarette machine where a grinning six-footer with a half-inch length of designer stubble is gleefully waving a fag packet, whilst mouthing the words: "I'm only seventeen!"
Three weeks later you protest your innocence before the magistrates, pointing out you make no gain from the cigarette machine, which belongs to an outside vendor, and at busy times it would be impossible to even see the wretched thing.
A few whispers and a quick nod between the learned gentlemen before you are handed a £2,500 fine for selling cigarettes, cigars, loose rolling tobacco or rolling papers to a minor. Along with a further £1,000 for failure to display proper signage, warning it is illegal to sell tobacco products to under-18s. Total £3,500.
The police then state that your licence is to be reviewed.
DON'T let this happen to you. In case you missed this week's Panorama the 'police' don't actually do much policing these days. All that extra paperwork and danger, no thank you.
Today's target-driven Police Authorities are far too busy chasing easy nicks. Speed cameras, minor traffic violations, domestic arguments, playground fights - these are the boundaries of today's thin blue line.
But the easiest nick of all is the police 'sting' and the pub landlord remains a prime target. Hitherto they ran the risk that you'd ask to see ID from even their most mature-looking 'plant'.
From October 1st he needs only to drop a few pounds in your cigarette machine and you will be prosecuted. The incident counts towards quotas and gets recorded as a 'detected and solved crime' in the crime statistics, so it's too tempting to ignore.
Don't believe it couldn't happen. If you sell any tobacco products, or even rolling papers, there's yet more new signs to put up - great news, huh? If you have a fag machine make sure there is a clear line of sight from the bar.
The only way to fully protect yourself is to install CCTV cameras with a video recorder. Diana Simmonds, licensee of the Butchers Arms in Mountain Ash, South Wales, successfully defended an underage-sting prosecution in this way - well done Diana!
You need only demonstrate you had taken "due diligence" not to serve to minors. If the video proves the bar area was busy at the time, or your view of the cigarette machine was obscured, or the 'test purchaser' looked 18, then in theory your case will be dismissed.
A decent CCTV set-up will cost you as little as £300. ALL licensees should get cameras fitted behind the bar. What's a few hundred pounds when it comes to protecting your licence? Do it.
Get it done today.
Personally I'm disgusted at the attitude of the police towards licensees. Years ago they abandoned our town centres to the yob culture and now they're having a tough time winning back many of those areas.
Yet somehow this is YOUR fault, even though the pub landlord assumed the role of 'acting sheriff' during the long police hiatus.
Chief Constables have evolved into senior social workers who believe the 'rights' of thugs and career criminals outweigh the policeman's duty of protection to the general public. 'We' are the real criminals, to be apprehended at any opportunity and punitively fined without reservation.
Try using the bare minimum of 'reasonable force' to eject a troublemaker and you are looking at the inside of a police cell should he drunkenly complain. By morning, with luck, he will have no recollection of the incident, in which case you walk.
You call in the police to help, and hope they have sufficient manpower to actually send someone. But then you find yourself accused of being an 'unfit person' to hold a licence for not sorting it yourself. You can't win.
Next time you have a group of diners 'do a runner' without paying the bill just try calling the police. Some jumped-up civvie in an office 60 miles away will indignantly inform you that "This is a civil matter. We are not debt collectors you know". Seriously, try it.
Considering that a major slice of your business rates goes directly into paying their wages police support for the licenced trade is, at best, shoddy. At worst it is contemptible.