Had to giggle like an alcohol-fuelled 11-year-old at the recent survey that found Richard Branson would make the ideal landlord, closely followed by Alan Sugar and Easyjet's Stelios Haji-Ioannou.
None of these businessmen would last five minutesrunning a pub. Maybe the public sometimes fails to differentiate between a 'real' entrepreneur and a chancer.
For a start I don't believe Richard Branson is as bright as he's cracked up to be. His genuine talent lies in delegating all the clever stuff to the right people. He'd be more than able to manage a good Pubco, but Branson running a pub would be 'Virgin'on the ridiculous.
Stelios, on the other hand, has itchy feet. He prefers to stay on the move so you'd never ground him in any commercial premises.
Bombastic empire-builder Alan Sugar's authoritarian manner would soon piss off his customers, driving them straight into thewelcoming arms of the competition.
"I don't like liars, I don't like cheats. I don't likebullshitters, I don't like schmoozers, I don't like ass-lickers".
Sorry Sir Alan, you're fired. The ability to grovel when necessary is essential in a good landlord. The customer is always right, even when they're wrong. So suffer fools gladly and turn on the charm. Then curse them as much as you like after you've locked up.
Perhaps this is why women make such good landlords. Like it or not gents, female licensees are equally capable and often more patient than their male counterparts.
Some of the best pubs I've visited have a landlady running 'front of house' with her dutiful hubby quietly playing second fiddle while ensuring everything runs smoothly.
Landladies are also better when it comes to sorting out troublemakers, hence the growing number of female 'door staff'.
The hardest drunken yob will yield meekly to a firm female tongue whereas he'd probably thump a male landlord.
That's why, if we are choosing a celeb for the perfect landlord, my first vote would go to the extensively tattooed soul singer Amy Winehouse. Conditional, of course, on a fruitful period in rehab to get the poor lass off the 'substances'.
Amy is a go-getter with a love of life and people who, in another reality, would shine as a publican. She'd never be short of new ideas or the energy to make them work. Above all she'd be popular with all generations and backgrounds. Not too sure about her husband but perhaps she could find him something harmless to do.
Or why not the lovely Dawn French? Now we're talking. Imagine 'her' running a pub. It would certainly have the wow-factor and she'd have the customers in stitches. Can't quite see Lenny Henry as a cellarman though.
My final vote goes to Joanna Lumley. Okay, the pub might be a little upmarket for some tastes but at least she'd allow smoking.
Joanna is firmly against the smoking ban and is amazed at the way we've all taken it lying down. "If they tried to introduce this in France they'd simply ignore it, or there'd be rioting in the streets", says Ms Lumley.
She's probably right there too.
What really struck me about the news report were these lines:
"Landlords are no longer expected to simply pull pints and chat to regulars, but must possess a whole package of entrepreneurial and business skills - from customer services and sales and marketing to human resources and innovation - to meet customers' expectations."
Anyone who's ever been a Landlord will tell you there's nothing new in such a statement. Successful landlords have always needed that peculiar mix of enthusiasm, personality and business acumen to survive, otherwise customers will vote with their feet.
The talents present in the average landlord are greatly underestimated in my opinion, and always have been. It's not a career that suits everyone, mainly because it's not something most people could do. Nor is it a profession you can simply learn by any other means than hard experience.
You've either got what it takes to be a landlord, or you'd better get out - quick.
Give 'em what they want, draw the crowds, keep the crowds. That's the magic formula. If you can do that, and maintain it, then you are a better landlord than 'suits' like Branson, Stelios and Sugar could ever hope to be.