Rob McKinlay puts his head between another man's legs and previews the forthcoming Six Nations.
There was an Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman... and a Welshman, and a Frenchman, oh... and an Italian. In fact, there are 15 of each, all beating seven shades of sweat out of each other in that annual quest for European rugby union glory known as the Six Nations.
Yes, that time of year is rapidly approaching when thousands of well-oiled patriots converge on the pubs and bars of London, Edinburgh, Cardiff, Dublin, Rome and Paris to cheer on their nation while singing rude songs and filling licensees' eyes with delight at the amount of beer they throw down their necks.
And it's all in honour of the oldest and most famous competitive rugby union tournament in the world. The Six Nations dates back to 1882 when it was originally the Four Nations before France crossed the Channel to make it five in 1910 and in 1999 Italy joined the party to complete the current line-up.
This season's championship will be followed even more closely than usual. Ending a mere eight months before the World Cup it is a crucial part of the preparation for all concerned. And following an autumn when the rugby world was turned upside-down with northern hemisphere teams beating their traditionally stronger southern opponents, the rest of the rugby-watching world will be keeping a beady eye on proceedings.
So which country's supporters are going to be downing the celebratory yards of ale this time round?
The Twickenham faithful will see England start the campaign as favourites yet again, despite being denied Grand Slams the past four years in a row.
Their form in the autumn internationals, when they defeated not only the mighty New Zealand All Blacks but also world champions Australia and the Springboks of South Africa, served as a chilling reminder to their rivals of their power.
England's form is formidable and at the time of writing they hadn't lost at Twickers since New Zealand beat them in the 1999 World Cup - a winning run of 17 games.
With the International Rugby Players' Association Player of the Year Jonny Wilkinson (pictured top) kicking the goals it will be difficult for their opponents to find a weakness. However, despite their annual status as hot favourites, England have lost crunch games to Wales, Scotland, Ireland and France respectively in the last four Six Nations championships.
Always unpredictable, rarely unflappable but, when in full flow, untouchable, France, the reigning champions and Grand Slam holders, will bring their own unique dose of je ne sais quoi to the tournament.
Devastating on their day and capable of beating any team in the world, they will start as second favourites, having beaten South Africa and drawn a thriller with New Zealand in the autumn.
Les Bleus should be closely followed by those slightly insane men in green from the Emerald Isle led, barring injury, by the "mad potato" himself, Keith Wood.
Having also notched up a victory against the World Champion Wallabies last autumn, they will be full of confidence and can never be written off, especially when the leprechauns start working their magic at Lansdowne Road.
Scotland's bravehearts and those proud fellows from over the Severn Bridge, Wales, will fight for their right to glory but may lack the strength in depth to challenge for the ultimate prize.
Both, though, undoubtedly possess enough celtic fire in their bellies to spring an upset, as Scotland proved in beating the Springboks in October. And if the trophy was awarded for the most passionate supporters, surely the title would be making its way to Cardiff or Edinburgh.
Italy, still thought of as the tournament's new boys, may struggle. Despite having the advantage of an energy-giving pasta diet, the azzuri are likely to be propping up the table with the wooden spoon come March 30. They have yet to convert their sports fans from the round ball to the oval one and, going by current form, a win against any of the other five countries will be a huge bonus.
Popular opinion has it that the champions will in effect be crowned at roughly 6pm on Saturday February 15, with the tournament barely underway. This is because the opening fixture sees favourites England take on the unpredictable French, a team many believe to be the only one capable of derailing the Twickenham freight train. As the final whistle blows, it will surely be a signal for the victors to go on and sweep all aside on a trouble-free journey to the Grand Slam. Won't it?
Probably. But every year the Six Nations throws up a surprise or two. So who's to say that on a windy, rain-soaked pitch at Lansdowne Road, Dublin, on March 23, those leprechauns won't appear and Ireland won't deny England that elusive Grand Slam again?
The teams
ENGLAND - latest odds: 2-5f
Ground: Twickenham, LondonCoach: Clive WoodwardGrand Slams: 10Players to watch: Lewis Moody, Ben CohenStrengths: Forward power, Jonny Wilkinson's kickingWeaknesses: Over-confidence, ability to change game plan2003 prediction: Champions.
FRANCE - latest odds: 5-2
Ground: Stade de France, ParisCoach: Bernard LaporteGrand Slams: 7Players to watch: Olivier Magne, Thomas CastaignedeStrengths: Attacking flair and speed, individual talentWeaknesses: Inconsistency, potential to self-destruct2003 prediction: 2nd.
IRELAND - latest odds: 8-1
Ground: Lansdowne Road, DublinCoach: Eddie O'SullivanGrand Slams: 1Players to watch: Brian O'Driscoll, Geordan MurphyStrengths: Speed, fearless natureWeaknesses: Lack of structure and control2003 prediction: 3rd.
ITALY - latest odds: 1,000-1
Ground: Flaminio Stadium, RomeCoach: John KirwanGrand Slams: NonePlayers to watch: Diego Dominguez, Christian StoicaStrengths: Kicking of Dominguez, physical strengthWeaknesses: Lack of experience and player resources2003 prediction: 6th.
SCOTLAND - latest odds: 50-1
Ground: Murrayfield, Edinburgh Coach: Ian McGeechanGrand Slams: 3Players to watch: Scott Murray, Gregor TownsendStrengths: Coaching of McGeechan, passionWeaknesses: Lack of speed and strength in depth2003 prediction: 4th
WALES - latest odds: 66-1
Ground: Millennium Stadium, CardiffCoach: Steve HansenGrand Slams: 8Players to watch: Martyn Williams, Jamie RobinsonStrengths: Pride, speed of outside backsWeaknesses: Low confidence, indiscipline2003 prediction: 5th
Six Nations on TV
The tournament is being played for the first time in a condensed format guaranteeing live, televised matches throughout.
A new three-year deal with the BBC sees the majority of Six Nations internationals in 2003, including all England's home games, being shown on BBC1's Grandstand programme either live or in a highlights package.
In Wales, all of Wales' Six Nations games, with the exception of the match against England at Twickenham, are being shown live on BBC Wales.
Fixtures
- February 15
- 1.30pm Italy v Wales
- 4pm England